thats some butterfly! took so long to capture her, poised!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
baneful bliss
you made me come alive, baby
and made me lose all my faith...
you made me feel like am more beautiful than I ever thought I was
and made me hate my own reflection..
you told me I was perfect
and found countless flaws in me...
you made me smile, like never before
and left me with tears..
you knew me..
yet you misunderstood...
you made me feel the bliss of being loved
yet never loved me...
fooled? bewildered? betrayed?
disillusioned? neglected?
maybe a million kinds of love..
need the kind that only U can give me..
Or so I believed..
April 1st, 2007 :)
and made me lose all my faith...
you made me feel like am more beautiful than I ever thought I was
and made me hate my own reflection..
you told me I was perfect
and found countless flaws in me...
you made me smile, like never before
and left me with tears..
you knew me..
yet you misunderstood...
you made me feel the bliss of being loved
yet never loved me...
fooled? bewildered? betrayed?
disillusioned? neglected?
maybe a million kinds of love..
need the kind that only U can give me..
Or so I believed..
April 1st, 2007 :)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
in the end, it doesnt even matter...
u pampered me..
put me up in the sky...
added colour.. vigour..
gave me feathers and wings..
and taught me how to fly..
crossing mountains and barriers...
rivers and bridges..
spanning miles and beyond,
reached where I thought I belonged..
and looked around....
u showed me the darker skies..
took away my smile..
and my true self from me...
abyss.. illusions.. cosmetics...
dark comparisons.. distances..
meaningless excuses..
away and gone is away and gone..
If there was just one thing u could do,
it was left undone..
and knowingly u flew away..
moved to more hueful shores..
my guiding light switched off..
lost....
28-02-07
11:50 PM
put me up in the sky...
added colour.. vigour..
gave me feathers and wings..
and taught me how to fly..
crossing mountains and barriers...
rivers and bridges..
spanning miles and beyond,
reached where I thought I belonged..
and looked around....
u showed me the darker skies..
took away my smile..
and my true self from me...
abyss.. illusions.. cosmetics...
dark comparisons.. distances..
meaningless excuses..
away and gone is away and gone..
If there was just one thing u could do,
it was left undone..
and knowingly u flew away..
moved to more hueful shores..
my guiding light switched off..
lost....
28-02-07
11:50 PM
Thursday, January 18, 2007
reminiscence
yaad mein jinki hum deewane hogaye..
wohi humse begaane hogaye..
talaash hai unhe naye dosthon ki...
shayad unki nazar me hum purane ho gaye..
mood: cynnical
notes: well.. nothing to say really.. a random sms kept me thinking for a while..
so, here it is..
wohi humse begaane hogaye..
talaash hai unhe naye dosthon ki...
shayad unki nazar me hum purane ho gaye..
mood: cynnical
notes: well.. nothing to say really.. a random sms kept me thinking for a while..
so, here it is..
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
impressions...
For the last week or two I have been introspecting more than usual..
I have been trying to gauge what people really feel/ think with respect to me.. I know people who love me wont judge me.. n my actions and words wont be misconstrued.. what about those who either dont know me or who are in a working relationship with me or who are mere acquaintances..? For years, I have not bothered what this second category of people thought about or felt towards me!
Off late, I have been having some problems mostly due to this outlook of mine..
During the course of this introspection, I realised that people infact, expect you to value what they think about you..! You yield to them and pay attention to what they think about your personality and be rest assured you will lose your identity.. You dont yield to them, and they assume you have given them the liberty to talk behind your back.. maybe I shud add rubbish after the 'talk'..
I found that a lot of people mostly misread one's confidence, one's looks and more than anything else, they misread little suggestions if you happen to give them (whether out of concern or the longing for the sense of control depends on you really)..
At work, I noticed so many things that just dint seem to fit the scheme of things..
For instance, We have outings from work where we have events organized.. we sing, dance, enact plays, play different games as a team etc.. These outings are meant to be platforms for people to display talents other than their 'coding' expertise.. I have actively participated in all these outings singing, dancing, playing et all..! simply cuz I love doing these things!
While some people have been generous with praises and have been encouraging towards me, I realised in just the last outing that there are some people who dint seem to have anything at all to say..! And strangely enough, I found them appreciate other performers.. And them being close associates and some more than colleagues, this kinda disturbed me initially, and puzzled me later on.. And then, I started wondering why they were behaving so..
I found some reasons after much digging and observation.. tried doing a thing or two to change impressions and opinions..
But soon... I found myself saying 'Who gives a damn, anyway?!'
I have been trying to gauge what people really feel/ think with respect to me.. I know people who love me wont judge me.. n my actions and words wont be misconstrued.. what about those who either dont know me or who are in a working relationship with me or who are mere acquaintances..? For years, I have not bothered what this second category of people thought about or felt towards me!
Off late, I have been having some problems mostly due to this outlook of mine..
During the course of this introspection, I realised that people infact, expect you to value what they think about you..! You yield to them and pay attention to what they think about your personality and be rest assured you will lose your identity.. You dont yield to them, and they assume you have given them the liberty to talk behind your back.. maybe I shud add rubbish after the 'talk'..
I found that a lot of people mostly misread one's confidence, one's looks and more than anything else, they misread little suggestions if you happen to give them (whether out of concern or the longing for the sense of control depends on you really)..
At work, I noticed so many things that just dint seem to fit the scheme of things..
For instance, We have outings from work where we have events organized.. we sing, dance, enact plays, play different games as a team etc.. These outings are meant to be platforms for people to display talents other than their 'coding' expertise.. I have actively participated in all these outings singing, dancing, playing et all..! simply cuz I love doing these things!
While some people have been generous with praises and have been encouraging towards me, I realised in just the last outing that there are some people who dint seem to have anything at all to say..! And strangely enough, I found them appreciate other performers.. And them being close associates and some more than colleagues, this kinda disturbed me initially, and puzzled me later on.. And then, I started wondering why they were behaving so..
I found some reasons after much digging and observation.. tried doing a thing or two to change impressions and opinions..
But soon... I found myself saying 'Who gives a damn, anyway?!'
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
here I am..
For more than two months, I went through word list after word list to learn a set of words everyday.. Today, nothing makes sense.. everything appears meaningless.. U can never expect anything, even if it is the smallest good deed, from people..
Everything seems mindless.. heartless.. meaningless..
I have never understood the nuances of sadism and hence, I can never find myself appreciating it.. However, cynnicism is something I can swear by.. And, I shall soon write about it and how it can be a way of life..
If you ask me, I think that it is the only thing that can work for people to whom other people matter.. :) I have believed in it, practised it and found peace in it..
Time and again, there have been people who have walked into my life and whose association has made me believe otherwise.. But, being true to myself, I know somewhere deep down, that cynnicism is just so meant for me.. It has a sense of belonging which none other way of life can even come close to..
will write more about what it means to me and how it manifests itself in day to day life..
Adios!
Everything seems mindless.. heartless.. meaningless..
I have never understood the nuances of sadism and hence, I can never find myself appreciating it.. However, cynnicism is something I can swear by.. And, I shall soon write about it and how it can be a way of life..
If you ask me, I think that it is the only thing that can work for people to whom other people matter.. :) I have believed in it, practised it and found peace in it..
Time and again, there have been people who have walked into my life and whose association has made me believe otherwise.. But, being true to myself, I know somewhere deep down, that cynnicism is just so meant for me.. It has a sense of belonging which none other way of life can even come close to..
will write more about what it means to me and how it manifests itself in day to day life..
Adios!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
where next?
For the last month or more, I have been slogging like maaaaad...! In a span of 3 months, I will be facing quite a few exams.. exams which will determine my career path significantly.. The fact that I am working right now, apart from helping me with some funds and adding a few more months to my work ex, only adds to the pressure! I had a bad back ache for quite some time.. mostly cuz of work place furniture and due to studying after work with bad back rest at home.. Two of my closest friends flew to the US for dunno how long, abt a month back.. N I had a lil trouble compartmentalising and focussing on what needs to be done, leaving behind the emotional aspect completely!
Yesterday I gave one of the exams I was due to give and I fared 'ok' in it.. as in, I dint do great.. And I dint do badly either.. its an average performance.. say over 77 - 78 %.. Not like I am proud of that, but I know, being true to myself, that I have given it everything I can in the circumstances that I have been in.. There were days when I was so low and lonely, tired and wary and noone to back me up, and when I was emotionally quite unstable I still kicked myself back to studies.. I know I have worked really hard.. The fact that people have been quite indifferent towards this thing which is so important to me only disheartens me.. It may not seem like I have slogged to anyone else, proly cuz I aint good at expressing my fatigue and tiredness most of the times, but I know how much stress and strain I have been under.. And at times like these, you would but naturally expect ur nearest and dearest ones to unconditionally back u up.. well.. anyways! life is like that.. right?
Hmm.. this is one point in my life that there are a million questions and choices springing in my head everyday.. N I am unsure about so many things.. very much like most other people my age, I know.. Personally, professionally and in so many other aspects, I feel quite lost.. And for the first time ever, I detest this uncertainity about every damn thing..! All my life I enjoyed dealing with something unpredicatble... now I am having an over dose of it!! n I dont enjoy it.. not any more!!
whatever..!! or rather wherever!!
anyway!
This aint no symapthy/empathy seeking blog.. I dont even recommend u to comment.. This is just my way of venting out some of the frustration that has built up in me.. my way of letting out some of those depressing and scary thoughts..
not like I have not tried other means of doin the same.. but well..
thas it.. I have let u in on something very important to me and rather personal... I dont even care about a reaction!
adios!
Yesterday I gave one of the exams I was due to give and I fared 'ok' in it.. as in, I dint do great.. And I dint do badly either.. its an average performance.. say over 77 - 78 %.. Not like I am proud of that, but I know, being true to myself, that I have given it everything I can in the circumstances that I have been in.. There were days when I was so low and lonely, tired and wary and noone to back me up, and when I was emotionally quite unstable I still kicked myself back to studies.. I know I have worked really hard.. The fact that people have been quite indifferent towards this thing which is so important to me only disheartens me.. It may not seem like I have slogged to anyone else, proly cuz I aint good at expressing my fatigue and tiredness most of the times, but I know how much stress and strain I have been under.. And at times like these, you would but naturally expect ur nearest and dearest ones to unconditionally back u up.. well.. anyways! life is like that.. right?
Hmm.. this is one point in my life that there are a million questions and choices springing in my head everyday.. N I am unsure about so many things.. very much like most other people my age, I know.. Personally, professionally and in so many other aspects, I feel quite lost.. And for the first time ever, I detest this uncertainity about every damn thing..! All my life I enjoyed dealing with something unpredicatble... now I am having an over dose of it!! n I dont enjoy it.. not any more!!
whatever..!! or rather wherever!!
anyway!
This aint no symapthy/empathy seeking blog.. I dont even recommend u to comment.. This is just my way of venting out some of the frustration that has built up in me.. my way of letting out some of those depressing and scary thoughts..
not like I have not tried other means of doin the same.. but well..
thas it.. I have let u in on something very important to me and rather personal... I dont even care about a reaction!
adios!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
