Flings

I have been wanting to write about this for some time now.. And it is finally happening today coz i read this article by Shobha De in the two-week old edition of The Week and it just set me thinking a little more than I had previously thought about this. Strange are the ways of people.. I have always wanted to study people more than anything else.. They interest me and fascinate me..
Its not uncommon these days to hear someone say that he/she is into this relationship with someone only for physical gains. Be it one-night stands or just the 'regular' kissing and making out sessions, people are not only not uncomfortable but also pretty casual about admitting them and discussing them. Such things seemed distant and restricted to hollywood movie stories until only recently.. what with movies such as Murder and the latest previews of Zeher, they are out on the Indian screen as well and put by the stars themselves as 'bold movies', they are selling well.. Ofcourse the reason for them to sell well may not be the story line, in all probability. It may just be some really hot women showing themselves off and of course, not to forget the curiousity-arousing promos.. (if not anything else they 'arouse' your curiousity atleast!!) Infidelity is finally becoming cool even in the sub-continent...
Call me biased or 'immature' as some would proudly call me, am not one for such flings. Be it extra-marital or pre-marital, I believe that if you are not loyal, you are not in love. And if you are not in love then you should not be in the relation in the first place. Stories of men and women double timing partners dont amaze me; they fill me with disgust almost instantaneously.
In fact, call me an extreme case, but I would not subscribe to men or women even 'testing waters' as its called, with the other party.. And I have more than enough reason to be that way. I have been the victim not once or twice but more than that of such flings myself.. Its not like am anti-flirting or something.. I have flirted casually with men too, quite a few times.. When you are casually flirting with someone both parties are aware of the status of what is going on... They are sure there is nothing more than just some verbal exchange happening.. Its when the next dimension is mishandled that I get completely turned off! I am not saying that a guy who knows me checking his compatibility with me and finally telling me of his feelings when he is sure he wants to be with me, is wrong.. Nope! Its the in between stage that makes all the difference. Its how things go between the parties involved then that matters...
Some guys immidaitely ask the girl out and the girl (if she is someone like me) trusting that the guy really likes her for what she is and assuming that this relation is going to last coz they each want it that way says yes and gives it her best, not realising that this is just a trial and error thing for the guy! Or, the guy just about does anything to make her feel important and to please her (which again doesnt work very well for me atleast, as u will soon see) Or, the guy will be so baffled by her behavior that he never tells her of his feelings ruining the chances of a great relationship shaping up..
Its in this period that all things go wrong for me.. I am not someone used to getting attention from any one. People always think am too snobbish to be nice to or that I am too proud to be given my share of attention or they are simply too dumb and end up comparing me with someone better looking or something and I get totally irriatated!! I have always been seen as someone who will not appreciate it if anyone has feelings for her. Maybe i give this impression to men generally.. But the contrary is true. I would really like it if a guy has the guts to let me know he has feelings for me. If I do reciprocate, nothing like it (note: this has never ever happened!) and if I dont, (this has never happened either!!) then I am not a jerk to abandon a friend (if he is one already) or if he is not a friend yet, am sure I can be friendly enough towards this person who likes me for whatever reason. Then again like I said I have not come across someone like that who has simply told me of his feelings and left it at that to see what happens from my side!!
Hmm.. coming back to the fling part. So during the unsure-what-I-feel-for-her phase, most guys profess their love for me. And they dont realise in the slightest that am not only uncomfortable with any attenttion showered on me, I dont know how to handle it either! If its voicing out my opinions and ideas in front of a million people, am least uncomfortable,but when it comes to a one-on-one relation with a guy and the guy being someone who likes me, I get all freaked out with such expressions!! Really.. Am sometimes so shy a person that even if a friend compliments me (male or female), I fail to react normally, I get totally embarassed!!! And I get nervous that this guy in question is observing me and judging my actions and thoughts and seeing if am the one for him..! For one I find it disgusting when people judge me coz I believe that If u judge someone U cant love them. And the other thing being, I get really nervous, restless and unsure of myself (which is opposite of my normal being) coz more often than not this would have been a guy I would have wanted to be with myself...
Considering all those things that I mentioned earlier, I am rather thankful to my senses that I have not been driven so far by my own madness to even go beyond holding hands or a warm hug in any of the cases. I say am thankful, coz call it being 'immature' or kiddish if you want, but even someone ruffling my hair or holding hands with me is very intimate for me and something that I would not like to happen with anyone but the one for me..
And at the end of the day, all these guys fail to understand me... :) Either they get freaked out too..!! N more than me.. Or they cant look through this whole crazy new avatar of mine and like me for my normal self that they would have previously known.. Or they probably just realise that the one they thought may be ideal for them can give much more in the relation than they thought she could (!) and more than they think they can give! And yeah, obviously, the guys move away from me pretty soon either breaking the so-called-relation or move on to another girl or deny that they ever felt anything... And lots of times, these guys would have been doing similar things with other women simulataneously..
Some time back, these kind of short-lived affections would really hurt me and a lot.. I would reprehend myself saying I was not able to live up to the guy's expectations of me and not able to satisfy his criteria, so to say. And not able to sustain a relationship with a guy whom I really liked or loved (as the case may have been).
But thats not going to happen any more.. I have realised that I dont have to or dont want to settle for someone who cant deal with such a trivial and temporary change in me. If he cant handle this he wont like to handle anything else that may change about me in future. I would rather wait for someone who can look beyond all these frivolous things and for whom my relation with him will be more than just another fling.......

ps: If you have something not very nasty you would want to tell me, you are welcome. And If you dislike what I have said here so much that you dont even want to tell me about it, then am sorry you came so far...

ps: It feels really great to come here often and say what I feel and think.. Although I dint think it would be, this has pretty much become my online journal..