Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The D-Day

The following is one of the things that I have always believed in, even without ever letting it really affect me.. :D
‘ Nobody needs you more than yourself…
And more importantly YOU need no one more than yourself.’

I suddenly feel this great need to free away from everything. everything and every person around me. My life feels like a big wreck and if ya want to hear it from the horse’s mouth, I am not happy with it.
Lots and lots of things actually.
Every time I have set my heart on something that I really really want, I have found myself getting discouraged by what is happening in my life otherwise.
You know how it is. In every stage of your life there is always this one person with whom you are more closely associated than with most others.. could be your latest crush, your dad, mom, ur best friend, ur sister, brother, ur boy friend… whoever… n u tend to be most attached to that one person during that phase in ur life.
And so has been the case with me too. And I have always asked for constant warmth and understanding from this one person. My apologies to all those who have felt pressurized due to the same.. :)

I am someone who is hyper sensitive to criticism from anyone. That’s cuz I actively respond to it in my own way. Instead of brushing it aside, I end up taking it in my stride and doing what I can to change whatever has to be. And knowing that most people are not open minded enough to change for the better when required, am proud of the fact that I can be otherwise!! :)

But, It is when I get constantly rebuked that I can’t handle things well.
Cuz it makes me feel like a failure. Like an under achiever.
Which I probably am. But it doesn’t help the cause if I feel that way does it??
In a world of super achievers and super ambitious people, someone who is as aimless and frail as me probably has no place. But this is the way I am. And I am happy being like this most of the time.
It is when everyone seems to be telling me that I am to be blamed for everything that is going wrong that I get totally freaked out!!!!
And one fine day, when I wake up, I realize just that… that it is after all, all my fault!!
Completely mine!
I have been dumb enough to not realize when I was prioritizing wrongly.
I have gotten close to people on my own accord.
I have let then hurt me.
I have been dumb enough to value people who don’t value me.
I have given more than I ever got from some people who don’t deserve it.
I have been less focused than I ought to have been, in whatever condition.
And so on and so forth.
All the fault lies with me…!!! :((
Then how on earth can anyone or anything make any difference to me but myself??!

Another aspect of this whole stupid getting-easily-attached-to-people thing about me is that, no one has ever proly been as attached to me as I have been to him/her.
And that not just hurts like it would ordinarily, it does a lot of damage to my thought process, to my personality and can even succeed in destroying me completely at that point of time.
Its not someone not professing what they feel or think of me that is lacking. After all if ya really do give importance to something it will show in ur words and actions without u having to say anything! When u hang up on someone every time u get another call, when u don’t call for weeks or months even as the case maybe, when ya always have some thing more important to do, when ya feel all cranky talking to someone, when you pretend that everything is fine when its not even close to that, when ya fail to discuss yourself with someone, so on and so forth………..
It could either mean u want some distance for whatever sane or insane reason or that u don’t really care or think much of that someone.
I can deal with the former very well. I know how it is to want some space. And it is exactly that I am trying to get at through this blog. :)
It is the possibility of the second that scares the hell out of me.
Then again, Its jus proly nature’s way of telling me that I ought not to be attached to anyone. That I work better when I am alone.

So, well..
That brings me back to where I started… to the get-away-from-everything-human part.
Realized that I need to move away, only on some introspection into my own actions and words over the last few days.
If ya are a part of my everyday, I hope you do understand this and let me be until I feel (if I do) other wise.

Singles Match

Hmm.. Where do I begin?
Ok.. Have you ever wondered why or how the maximum number of couples start off being together in the last year of college??
Is it because by then u kinda know the people u r associated with and also know what you feel for whom?
Is it the feeling of wanting to be with someone when u r leaving behind the institution that brings the magic in the air?
Is it mere desperation?
Is it that u feel u have jus then reached a stage in life where u have to make those ‘important’ decisions about who and what you r going to be in the coming years and finally ‘settle down’?
Is it the fear of being alone that drives the whole thing?
Or is it the fact that being in love is so much in vogue and unfortunately so much in fashion too, that u feel u ought to be there n do that as well?

WHATEVER that maybe… Me being where I am can only say….
It drives the rest of us who are single up the wall……… and for loads of reasons!
It kinda builds a pressure somewhere within. A constant thing that keeps saying - Look where you are. U r still alone. Still without company. When the hell is it going to happen to you?……………. So on and so forth…
In the last year, three out of my 5 best friends have found partners.
And all three look like long-term associations.
Another best friend of mine has been with someone for the last 3 years or so.
At least another score of people I know have started being in a relationship in the last 4-5 months or so.
Two out of my 5 close friends from school are committed for life to their boyfriends.

Every time I meet a bunch of friends the hottest topic of discussion seems to be who has who in their lives. I mean people who would even hate discussing friends from the opposite sex now choose to suddenly want to talk about all the men/women they know, if they are still single or about that ‘one guy/girl’ who they are with!!
Its crazy! Really….
I for one have been depressed for so long now that things never work out for me in this direction! And stories about all the love stories happening around me only make me feel worse. :(
All people who have known me from when I was a kid, be it my family friends or relatives, are amazed that there is no one in my life! Some don’t even believe that am single! Then of course there are those silly disgusting comparisons that people make that get on my nerves! When xyz who is so quiet and decent has found a guy, she(as in me) would have.. kinda thing!! Like I am the flamboyant and flirt types and that way only cuz I hang out with men jus as much as I hang out with women...!
Oh man!! First of all, I hate comparisons of any any damn kind!
Secondly, who the hell told you that quiet and decent (as u wud call them) people do not have the same hormones that I am made of! Who the hell told you that they are not capable of making bold decisions about their lives, jus the way I can?? Only cuz he/she doesn’t really mingle with the opposite sex the way I do, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have hearts of gold or otherwise or any other dumb conclusion that u can proly draw from that!
And lastly, the fact that am single will not make as much of a difference to me as it does if ya stop bothering me with all your expectations, so to say……..
It is frustrating really..

At the end of it all, I get horribly scared and really depressed that I am gonna end up being the target of all discussions everywhere twenty years down the lane, cuz I ll be the only single woman around who will be trying to raise kids she has ‘only’ adopted (As they wud say) and not given birth to!

The point I am trying to make is, being me would not be that hard if the people around me dint make such a big deal about this whole damn thing of 'settling down in life' as it is called, only cuz I am graduating now. Be it fellow mates or older people.
Being a girl born to not a very liberal family, I know there is this constant thing on every ones mind, including my parents' and sister's, that someday soon I will end up with someone. But to me it is not really that. If it does happen, it does. Else I really don’t care. I would prefer living alone without making any compromises with respect to this, than otherwise.
Sigh. Sigh. If only people got that one thing, life would be close to living in paradise. :)