Fake it till you make it?!

Have you found yourself wondering – ‘how the hell did this fool make it?’
Well, I have..
Especially after getting here..
Surprisingly, I have found that many people have learnt the art of making it by faking it.
How?? Yep.. Its possible.. Trust me, I have seen it happen…
All of us have some expectation of everything around us.. We have a picture of how an ideal friend should be, what would make someone girl/boy friend material, how a shirt should be, what makes an actress hot, how sweet should your tea be… etc etc..
In today’s plastic world, its an ‘Art’ (apparently! although I fail to understand how!) to be able to understand what someone wants and to be able to map oneself into that expectation! And how do you do that? Fake it, baby!! Like one Swamiji said – ‘fake it till you make it’!
To someone who has no sense of identity and individuality, to someone who has not her/his own style its not hard to just get into the shoes of the imaginary character that anyone has in mind.. And many succeed at this.. To make an impression of someone amiable, they will fake it all!! They will agree with you on a menu for dinner only to change it the next minute to align themselves to someone who is more influential at the table.. he he! Trust me! I have seen many (esp. of the female gender) do this kind of thing! Gosh! Beats me! What’s worse, the others at the table who are so happy with this transformation and flexibility (Open your eyes, dude! Cant you see she /he is trying hard to impress you?!), expect similar behaviour from others (esp. from the same gender!)..!
I, for one, hate to fake anything.. I can be nice.. I can be diplomatic.. But I cant fake it.. I cant tell you I love mushrooms just cuz you do, when I don’t like the sight of them even!
Being nice by nature is one thing.. Faking nicety to be in the good books of someone to the extent of not being true to yourself (if there is something like being true to yourself at all that is!) is not something that impresses me.. I find such people volatile and not reliable.. I’m not saying I would be more comfortable with someone who is totally inflexible, but I’m not comfortable with someone who is so flexible and adaptable (as such people are ironically called!) , that he/she reminds me of garden lizards and chameleons...

In a nut-shell, impression managers don’t impress me much!

PS: No offence to chameleons, I understand they only change colours for self-defence..

impressions...

For the last week or two I have been introspecting more than usual..
I have been trying to gauge what people really feel/ think with respect to me.. I know people who love me wont judge me.. n my actions and words wont be misconstrued.. what about those who either dont know me or who are in a working relationship with me or who are mere acquaintances..? For years, I have not bothered what this second category of people thought about or felt towards me!
Off late, I have been having some problems mostly due to this outlook of mine..
During the course of this introspection, I realised that people infact, expect you to value what they think about you..! You yield to them and pay attention to what they think about your personality and be rest assured you will lose your identity.. You dont yield to them, and they assume you have given them the liberty to talk behind your back.. maybe I shud add rubbish after the 'talk'..
I found that a lot of people mostly misread one's confidence, one's looks and more than anything else, they misread little suggestions if you happen to give them (whether out of concern or the longing for the sense of control depends on you really)..
At work, I noticed so many things that just dint seem to fit the scheme of things..
For instance, We have outings from work where we have events organized.. we sing, dance, enact plays, play different games as a team etc.. These outings are meant to be platforms for people to display talents other than their 'coding' expertise.. I have actively participated in all these outings singing, dancing, playing et all..! simply cuz I love doing these things!
While some people have been generous with praises and have been encouraging towards me, I realised in just the last outing that there are some people who dint seem to have anything at all to say..! And strangely enough, I found them appreciate other performers.. And them being close associates and some more than colleagues, this kinda disturbed me initially, and puzzled me later on.. And then, I started wondering why they were behaving so..
I found some reasons after much digging and observation.. tried doing a thing or two to change impressions and opinions..
But soon... I found myself saying 'Who gives a damn, anyway?!'

here I am..

For more than two months, I went through word list after word list to learn a set of words everyday.. Today, nothing makes sense.. everything appears meaningless.. U can never expect anything, even if it is the smallest good deed, from people..
Everything seems mindless.. heartless.. meaningless..
I have never understood the nuances of sadism and hence, I can never find myself appreciating it.. However, cynnicism is something I can swear by.. And, I shall soon write about it and how it can be a way of life..
If you ask me, I think that it is the only thing that can work for people to whom other people matter.. :) I have believed in it, practised it and found peace in it..
Time and again, there have been people who have walked into my life and whose association has made me believe otherwise.. But, being true to myself, I know somewhere deep down, that cynnicism is just so meant for me.. It has a sense of belonging which none other way of life can even come close to..
will write more about what it means to me and how it manifests itself in day to day life..
Adios!

TURN OFFS!!

Comparisons!!
What makes people assume that I am someone meant to be compared with everyone else around me??! The fact that you see and hear 2 different ppl means they are different! To me it makes absolutely no sense to have a daily report of how much better I am than anyone else or how bad anyone else is in comparison to me!!! Keep the ratings to yourself..!! I aint no Soap Opera!!

Personal Comments...
No, I’m not refering to gentle comments about my looks/words/emotions etc... There is a line I draw... just like you..! , and I never promised you that our lines would coincide... If you can’t see that line, ask me... Ask me before you attempt to cross it!! Cuz it’s my space and me you are talkin about, and I have every right to stop you from speakin nonsense about me, especially when you choose to do it in front of me..!!
All those who can’t stop saying that I’m thin, watch where you are looking!!

Horny men and their remarks...!
Millions of things turn me off in this category..!
Married men and sometimes with kids even, but who still cant stop drooling, staring and sizing up every younger woman, no no, every woman, who is in sight..!! Yucky! I pity your wives, you despos!
Gangs of guys who take up the social cause of placing themselves at the dark corner of the street and judging every girl of the locality that passes them in their spare time of 10 hours per day... Oh how lucky they are! ‘Ooh! Check out her butt man!’, ‘she has such a great figure’... and some so so cheap, it’s inapt to even mention them here..! Get a life guys...!
Cat calls... up close encounters... trying to touch and feel arbitrary women in public places... Cheaply worded whispers right into the ears.. the list goes on... and on and on... what is it?? Some kinda cheap thrill? Or these guys think they can actually manage to seduce me in those 5 seconds where they are 1 foot away from me?? Sorry to disappoint you... But, derrogatory doesn’t really qualify as charming or mesmerzing to me!
Or maybe it’s merely a sense of prowess that they can get away with saying the sleaziest things about a woman and still wander on the streets freely??!!
Whatever that may be, it fails to justify anything...!

Anything put on... Be it an accent... an attitude... a remark... anything fake, except jewellery, mostly turns me off completely...!
For instance, I can’t understand how an Indian who has lived all his life in India and lived abroad just for a few days/months can acquire an accent that is so not Indian... I have known atleast a dozen people who have lived for decades in the US of A and none of them really have a heavy American accent...! It seems extremely phony, unnatural and trying to be ‘yo’!
A fake smile turns me off more than the absence of a smile!! A remark leaning towards buttering somoene falls into the same category...
So does hypocracy... can’t comprehend the necessity or reason behind it (if there is one) for someone to be insincere about things... I can, to quite an extent, accept diplomacy cuz that is not about faking something; it’s about revealing only the required... unlike hypocracy...

South/North Indian complexes.
It is one of those things which the modern world claims to not have...! Sorry to say, it doth still florish..!
I have heard sooo many guys from the North making fun of the south Indians and vice versa, over names, colour, habits, culture, music (?!!), language and pronunciations etc etc...
And mind you, I’m not referring to the uneducated section.. I’m talking about IIT/IIM passouts, people working in the IT industry etc...
To me all those things are far too shallow...
It is infact sometimes as bad as racial discrimination... to judge and treat someone based on superficial aspects such as colour, dressing is discrimination...

MCPs/men with fragile egos.
If you havent realised yet, men with inflated egos don’t appeal to women anymore... (I can’t understand how they ever did..! anyways!)
If you want a woman to listen to everything you say, bow down to your whims and fancies, clean your house behind you, cook for you and look pretty all the time, you should either look for a robot, a puppet or better still, a combination of the two!
FYI: I am not a feminist. People are people. Male or female hardly matters.

Namma Bengalooru!
If there is one thing that really gets on my nerves, no matter who makes it, where and when, it is some non sensical, lame comment on how Bangalore is not a great city to stay in cuz of blah blah reasons...!! if you are a ‘localite’ as you would so often be addressed as (sometimes looked down upon for being one even!!), it would probably be justifiable.. People who just decided to descend upon a city in search of job opportunties without finding out what it has in store for them otherwise have, in my opinion, absolutely no right to make any negative remarks or comparisons! I am dead sure they would not like listening to similar things about their city either!! Every city has its pros and cons. And if you have evaluated a city badly, it is solely YOUR problem..!! Even god can’t promise you that any place (on earth atleast) is prefect, my dear fella!!

Insensitive creatures.
If you don’t care enough for/about anyone around you, I would rather not know you...


Spouses/Partners who do not realise that their counterparts need some time and space with friends, especially of the same gender!!, disgust me... If your husband doesn’t like you spending time or is insecure about your spending time with a female friend even if it is once in a way, I’m sorry, but the way I look at it, you have ended up with someone way too obsessed with god-knows-what and someone way too irritatingly possessive of you!!


Note: This is my list...

Disclaimer: Author is in an absolute no nonsense mood... If something in this list bears even slightest resemblence to your behavior towards her, then maybe it’s high time you realise that it was meant for just you to read..!

What is Maturity?

I think Maturity is an over used word.. Often misunderstood, misconstrued… and more than half the people who believe that they are infact mature human beings are probably not aware of its significance, meaning or implications..
Anyway, take a look at the following piece.

Maturity is
1. Asking for help when you need it and acting on your own when you don’t.
2. Admitting when you are wrong and making amends.
3. Recognizing that you always have choices and taking responsibility for the ones you make.
4. Having an opinion without insisting that others share it and not letting this difference of opinion affect the regard or respect that you have for someone.
5. Having the courage to live one day at a time.
6. Seeing that life is a blessing.
7. Accepting that you will never be finished and you will always be a work-in-progress.

Dated 28-04-03
The Times Of India.

This has been something that has remained a benchmark for me ever since the day it was published.. And I think it aptly describes what maturity infact implies and demands someone to be..

1. How many of us actually ask for help when we need it..?? I have often seen people struggle to balance coffee mugs and breakfast plates and what not… when all they have to do is just ask for a helping hand from the person standing by, who is only punching his/her mobile.. :D
This would probably only be if we would not assume that people will/should volunteer to help us even when we pose like we don’t need it at all.. :)

2. This is something that tests your character if u ask me.. So many of us find it difficult to just say ‘am sorry’ even if it is oh-so obvious to everyone around that the fault lies with us.. Whether its a simple thing such as spilling a cup of coffee or something more complex like saying or doing something that hurts or annoys another, most of us tell ourselves that this is a part of the person we are and that the world around should only be ‘mature’ enough to accept us as we are... :) ‘C’mon! This is the way I am. Being a little clumsy or being a little hasty and insensitive sometimes, is not all that bad is it? ’ haven’t u heard that somewhere?? Is this complacence? Is this an excuse? Or am I being idealistic?

3. guess this kind of follows from 2..

4. a. Okie!! How many of us don’t do this at all??! Am not raising my hand either! :) For instance, I have had so many million people trying to convince me that Ms. Aishwarya Rai is indeed more beautiful than I think she is.. One guy even went to the extent of saying “you are not as good as her.. so, you are jealous and cant accept that she is so beautiful!”
my reaction??
@#$&#@*&@#%*&@#@%$% &^**$#$@$
but… Naaah!! I dint bother!
But well, what I guess is important, is to realize the fine difference between being assertive about your opinion and standing up for it (if required) and trying to enforce your opinion on someone…

b. The latter half of the same pointer is again very relatable to ha? He/she doesn’t have the same food habits as me or play the same sport or adore the same actor/actress, like the same channel, same television program… and so on and so forth and therefore I don’t like him/her.. Or he/she is not as good as me.. Or he/she is unspeakable to!!! The ability to accept differences and not let them affect relationships or affect the regard and respect for another individual is rather scarce in our world today.. what say?

5, 6 and 7 are rather big picture pointers.. shall leave them to the reader…

I would just like to add that the author concluded the above quoted piece by saying

“Are you a mature person today??”

Singles Match

Hmm.. Where do I begin?
Ok.. Have you ever wondered why or how the maximum number of couples start off being together in the last year of college??
Is it because by then u kinda know the people u r associated with and also know what you feel for whom?
Is it the feeling of wanting to be with someone when u r leaving behind the institution that brings the magic in the air?
Is it mere desperation?
Is it that u feel u have jus then reached a stage in life where u have to make those ‘important’ decisions about who and what you r going to be in the coming years and finally ‘settle down’?
Is it the fear of being alone that drives the whole thing?
Or is it the fact that being in love is so much in vogue and unfortunately so much in fashion too, that u feel u ought to be there n do that as well?

WHATEVER that maybe… Me being where I am can only say….
It drives the rest of us who are single up the wall……… and for loads of reasons!
It kinda builds a pressure somewhere within. A constant thing that keeps saying - Look where you are. U r still alone. Still without company. When the hell is it going to happen to you?……………. So on and so forth…
In the last year, three out of my 5 best friends have found partners.
And all three look like long-term associations.
Another best friend of mine has been with someone for the last 3 years or so.
At least another score of people I know have started being in a relationship in the last 4-5 months or so.
Two out of my 5 close friends from school are committed for life to their boyfriends.

Every time I meet a bunch of friends the hottest topic of discussion seems to be who has who in their lives. I mean people who would even hate discussing friends from the opposite sex now choose to suddenly want to talk about all the men/women they know, if they are still single or about that ‘one guy/girl’ who they are with!!
Its crazy! Really….
I for one have been depressed for so long now that things never work out for me in this direction! And stories about all the love stories happening around me only make me feel worse. :(
All people who have known me from when I was a kid, be it my family friends or relatives, are amazed that there is no one in my life! Some don’t even believe that am single! Then of course there are those silly disgusting comparisons that people make that get on my nerves! When xyz who is so quiet and decent has found a guy, she(as in me) would have.. kinda thing!! Like I am the flamboyant and flirt types and that way only cuz I hang out with men jus as much as I hang out with women...!
Oh man!! First of all, I hate comparisons of any any damn kind!
Secondly, who the hell told you that quiet and decent (as u wud call them) people do not have the same hormones that I am made of! Who the hell told you that they are not capable of making bold decisions about their lives, jus the way I can?? Only cuz he/she doesn’t really mingle with the opposite sex the way I do, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have hearts of gold or otherwise or any other dumb conclusion that u can proly draw from that!
And lastly, the fact that am single will not make as much of a difference to me as it does if ya stop bothering me with all your expectations, so to say……..
It is frustrating really..

At the end of it all, I get horribly scared and really depressed that I am gonna end up being the target of all discussions everywhere twenty years down the lane, cuz I ll be the only single woman around who will be trying to raise kids she has ‘only’ adopted (As they wud say) and not given birth to!

The point I am trying to make is, being me would not be that hard if the people around me dint make such a big deal about this whole damn thing of 'settling down in life' as it is called, only cuz I am graduating now. Be it fellow mates or older people.
Being a girl born to not a very liberal family, I know there is this constant thing on every ones mind, including my parents' and sister's, that someday soon I will end up with someone. But to me it is not really that. If it does happen, it does. Else I really don’t care. I would prefer living alone without making any compromises with respect to this, than otherwise.
Sigh. Sigh. If only people got that one thing, life would be close to living in paradise. :)

Oops! the darker shade...

Well.. It was Holi and all of us except this one friend of ours was not very comfy letting her hair down and enjoying with us. She could not afford to get drenched in the holi water.. Poor girl had her periods running. Wait!! Got grossed out?!!
Oh! why am I not surprised?!
Well.. that’s exactly what I wanna talk about now..!
How narrow minded people are about this whole thing!!
After all the rejoicing with the beautiful colours, this friend of mine asked our hostess if she could change stuff..
N ridiculously enough she quite flatly refused!!
I for one was disgusted! N the reason she gave was that her mom may not like it or that it was a big problem to dispose things at her place or some such thing!!
Where would our poor friend go?!
Even the college rest rooms are not open after a point on any day! Despite having evening college classes running every day too in our college..!! Its ridiculous!
why cant these basic things be understood by people who run institutions such as ours?!
I mean it hardly takes another hour or more for students to vacate college campus! But no, they have to bloody close it an hour before time! coz the people who lock the place are tired the whole day looking at the faces that have come in n gone out! Whatever!!
Being women, I thought it was even more than just being immature on my friend’s and her mother’s part about the whole thing!! And obviously no one protested or said a word about it, except me and another friend of mine, who asked her why? another time..
When she failed to be reasonable again, I gave up, simply coz we had had a good time till then n dint wanna spoil it with a controversial debate! che!!
But, am still very annoyed…..
Our host, mind you is the topper of our class this time!
And she comes from quite an educated n cultured family… so to say..
But well, whats education if it cant give one enough sense and maturity to handle something so mundane and still so important??
whats with all this discomfort talking about it?
Gimme a break!! Will ya?
More n more ‘educated’ folk talk about how you should be open enough to discuss about SEX these days.. But if it comes to discussing this, people (especially men.. am sorry if u r one, but that’s what the case is!) are not one bit comfy talk about this issue..
I mean, what is the damn reason??
They cant relate to it, like the way they can to ‘sex’, that’s why?!
Excuse me! U r here coz someone out there went through all that pain, mood swings, weariness and what not other discomfort for years!! N finally conceived you and gave birth to you (which I hear is even more painful!!).
Oh C mon!! where did all your ‘broad mindedness’ suddenly vanish?!!!
And women, wake up!!
Come out of your lousy shells and let people know that its none of their business to treat something that happens to you every 30 days with such callousness! , whether its other women (unfortunately!) or men..
Not like u have to announce stuff, but when you r undergoing pain n u need some support, let people know!
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, please think twice when u deal with this the next time around… For, Christ’s sake, just put yourself in ‘her’ shoes for once and Think..! (yes, all those of u women who don’t think, please do!!) n then u will know why I am saying all this………


PS : the order of these two blogs r meant to be so..

Flings

I have been wanting to write about this for some time now.. And it is finally happening today coz i read this article by Shobha De in the two-week old edition of The Week and it just set me thinking a little more than I had previously thought about this. Strange are the ways of people.. I have always wanted to study people more than anything else.. They interest me and fascinate me..
Its not uncommon these days to hear someone say that he/she is into this relationship with someone only for physical gains. Be it one-night stands or just the 'regular' kissing and making out sessions, people are not only not uncomfortable but also pretty casual about admitting them and discussing them. Such things seemed distant and restricted to hollywood movie stories until only recently.. what with movies such as Murder and the latest previews of Zeher, they are out on the Indian screen as well and put by the stars themselves as 'bold movies', they are selling well.. Ofcourse the reason for them to sell well may not be the story line, in all probability. It may just be some really hot women showing themselves off and of course, not to forget the curiousity-arousing promos.. (if not anything else they 'arouse' your curiousity atleast!!) Infidelity is finally becoming cool even in the sub-continent...
Call me biased or 'immature' as some would proudly call me, am not one for such flings. Be it extra-marital or pre-marital, I believe that if you are not loyal, you are not in love. And if you are not in love then you should not be in the relation in the first place. Stories of men and women double timing partners dont amaze me; they fill me with disgust almost instantaneously.
In fact, call me an extreme case, but I would not subscribe to men or women even 'testing waters' as its called, with the other party.. And I have more than enough reason to be that way. I have been the victim not once or twice but more than that of such flings myself.. Its not like am anti-flirting or something.. I have flirted casually with men too, quite a few times.. When you are casually flirting with someone both parties are aware of the status of what is going on... They are sure there is nothing more than just some verbal exchange happening.. Its when the next dimension is mishandled that I get completely turned off! I am not saying that a guy who knows me checking his compatibility with me and finally telling me of his feelings when he is sure he wants to be with me, is wrong.. Nope! Its the in between stage that makes all the difference. Its how things go between the parties involved then that matters...
Some guys immidaitely ask the girl out and the girl (if she is someone like me) trusting that the guy really likes her for what she is and assuming that this relation is going to last coz they each want it that way says yes and gives it her best, not realising that this is just a trial and error thing for the guy! Or, the guy just about does anything to make her feel important and to please her (which again doesnt work very well for me atleast, as u will soon see) Or, the guy will be so baffled by her behavior that he never tells her of his feelings ruining the chances of a great relationship shaping up..
Its in this period that all things go wrong for me.. I am not someone used to getting attention from any one. People always think am too snobbish to be nice to or that I am too proud to be given my share of attention or they are simply too dumb and end up comparing me with someone better looking or something and I get totally irriatated!! I have always been seen as someone who will not appreciate it if anyone has feelings for her. Maybe i give this impression to men generally.. But the contrary is true. I would really like it if a guy has the guts to let me know he has feelings for me. If I do reciprocate, nothing like it (note: this has never ever happened!) and if I dont, (this has never happened either!!) then I am not a jerk to abandon a friend (if he is one already) or if he is not a friend yet, am sure I can be friendly enough towards this person who likes me for whatever reason. Then again like I said I have not come across someone like that who has simply told me of his feelings and left it at that to see what happens from my side!!
Hmm.. coming back to the fling part. So during the unsure-what-I-feel-for-her phase, most guys profess their love for me. And they dont realise in the slightest that am not only uncomfortable with any attenttion showered on me, I dont know how to handle it either! If its voicing out my opinions and ideas in front of a million people, am least uncomfortable,but when it comes to a one-on-one relation with a guy and the guy being someone who likes me, I get all freaked out with such expressions!! Really.. Am sometimes so shy a person that even if a friend compliments me (male or female), I fail to react normally, I get totally embarassed!!! And I get nervous that this guy in question is observing me and judging my actions and thoughts and seeing if am the one for him..! For one I find it disgusting when people judge me coz I believe that If u judge someone U cant love them. And the other thing being, I get really nervous, restless and unsure of myself (which is opposite of my normal being) coz more often than not this would have been a guy I would have wanted to be with myself...
Considering all those things that I mentioned earlier, I am rather thankful to my senses that I have not been driven so far by my own madness to even go beyond holding hands or a warm hug in any of the cases. I say am thankful, coz call it being 'immature' or kiddish if you want, but even someone ruffling my hair or holding hands with me is very intimate for me and something that I would not like to happen with anyone but the one for me..
And at the end of the day, all these guys fail to understand me... :) Either they get freaked out too..!! N more than me.. Or they cant look through this whole crazy new avatar of mine and like me for my normal self that they would have previously known.. Or they probably just realise that the one they thought may be ideal for them can give much more in the relation than they thought she could (!) and more than they think they can give! And yeah, obviously, the guys move away from me pretty soon either breaking the so-called-relation or move on to another girl or deny that they ever felt anything... And lots of times, these guys would have been doing similar things with other women simulataneously..
Some time back, these kind of short-lived affections would really hurt me and a lot.. I would reprehend myself saying I was not able to live up to the guy's expectations of me and not able to satisfy his criteria, so to say. And not able to sustain a relationship with a guy whom I really liked or loved (as the case may have been).
But thats not going to happen any more.. I have realised that I dont have to or dont want to settle for someone who cant deal with such a trivial and temporary change in me. If he cant handle this he wont like to handle anything else that may change about me in future. I would rather wait for someone who can look beyond all these frivolous things and for whom my relation with him will be more than just another fling.......

ps: If you have something not very nasty you would want to tell me, you are welcome. And If you dislike what I have said here so much that you dont even want to tell me about it, then am sorry you came so far...

ps: It feels really great to come here often and say what I feel and think.. Although I dint think it would be, this has pretty much become my online journal..