Monday, October 24, 2005

dark inside..

where there is a beginning
but no end
where you dive into deeper depths
never to return ashore…

saturated with cynicism
saturated with the vigor of life…

where there is no mind, no body,
no soul
where memories haunt
and future fails to beckon…

where the dark appears bright,
fleeting moments of peace
bring stinging pain…

where hope plays its atrocious game,
long after you have lost all you can..
where it ceases to be the panacea...

where nothing remains
though nothing is taken
where everything fails to explain itself
everything fails to comprehend itself..

where welled-up hysteria begins
to give away

out of reach…??
out of sight…??

or jus say

08:30 pm

This is one of the darkest poems I have ever written..
As usual, it remains very special to me for many reasons.. :)

PS: 1. I generally refrain from naming my poems..
Hence, the title is for the post and not the poem itself..

2. This one is dedicated to one of those few people who enjoys
dark and ironical stuff.. Here is to ya, SUCH.. !! :)

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Jaane kya dhoondta hai, ae mera dil..
Tujhko kya chaahiye zindagi.....

Have you ever wondered as to what (or should I say who ;) ) completes you...? That which you seem to have been looking for..? Oh! Wait.. In the first place have you ever felt incomplete..?? Ever felt that there is something that you should be having..?
Dont confuse this with the feeling of not being satisfied or the feeling of wanting more..
The one I am referring to is something like.. you have almost finished doing a jig-saw puzzle.. N you think you are getting there.. and you dont find the last piece!
No, its not your purpose in life..
not the goal you have sought out to achieve..
not that one thing you always wanted to do..
not your last wish.. not your ultimate ambition..
not that dream which you always wish would come true..
something beyond all that......
probably a deeper sense of 'your being'.. maybe what is called soulful..
something that you feel is a part of you and still is not with you..
something that you know is there and yet not quite..
hm.. dont know if you are with me..
If you still are (:D), go ahead..
To me falling in love is trying to find that something..
Trying to find that one last piece of yourself..
Wanting to share that one moment of glory, where you feel united with yourself, with that other being.. be it the same sex or otherwise..

This song from Madhumati sung by Lata Mangeshkar has so much more to it.. The tune is haunting.. mesmerizing.. And the lyrics will remain with you forever if you feel them in the song..

here are the lyrics for those of you who prefer it in the devanagiri script..
here are the lyrics in english.

I love the way she has sung it.. You can feel the pain in her voice..
Check it out..

PS: I wish Backstreet Boys had not used the title for their song.. Although, the song is pretty good, them using this as the title kinda spoilt the effect of the word itself.. :)

Thursday, September 29, 2005


Seizing her by her hand,
Looked into her doey eyes,
Warmly he met her lips with his;
A silvery smile watching them from above...

The sweetness of the twilight air,
The smiling tear-stained faces,
A bee gladly humming by
stopped a while, perplexed -
for, their hearts beat in unison...

They had lived apart a long while now,
Blown apart by the world,
The world of greed, anger and melancholy -
Well, they were destined to be together...

Bidding an adieu to them -
the people - his n hers,
Hand in hand, they went away -
Away from the races and all - to be human,
They rode away to their love.

dated: 21-08-2k

yup.. that is how I used to write 5 years ago.. :)
Can still relate to the feeling when I wrote it though..
We had Physics lab on this particular day.
And even as the lab-incharge gave us instructions to do
the experiments for the day, my mind was working on this piece.. :D
This is one poem that will remain very dear to me for more reasons than one!
Remembered it while seeing the sunsets the past
few days n today.. :)
A thing of beauty is a joy forever! ha?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


someone who calls her beautiful instead of 'hot'...
someone who calls back when she hangs up...
who stays awake to watch her sleep...
who kisses her forehead.. who wants to show her off to the world!
who holds her hand in front of his friends...
who constantly reminds her of how much he cares about her and how lucky he is to have her..
someone who turns to his friends and says - thats my angel!

well.. apparently thats what every woman dreams for in her man.. thats the kind of man she waits for.. :) or atleast that is what one of those little forwards that I recieved on my cell says..!
I guess, in a way, most women love these kinda things.. n these are things they look forward to from the guys in thier respective lives.. (these and sometimes much much more...!! ;) )
wondering what..?
Well, I just got bored and found this one thing that I recieved today a little interesting, amidst all the crap we got from various people at work!! N thought I would just share it..


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

What is Maturity?

I think Maturity is an over used word.. Often misunderstood, misconstrued… and more than half the people who believe that they are infact mature human beings are probably not aware of its significance, meaning or implications..
Anyway, take a look at the following piece.

Maturity is
1. Asking for help when you need it and acting on your own when you don’t.
2. Admitting when you are wrong and making amends.
3. Recognizing that you always have choices and taking responsibility for the ones you make.
4. Having an opinion without insisting that others share it and not letting this difference of opinion affect the regard or respect that you have for someone.
5. Having the courage to live one day at a time.
6. Seeing that life is a blessing.
7. Accepting that you will never be finished and you will always be a work-in-progress.

Dated 28-04-03
The Times Of India.

This has been something that has remained a benchmark for me ever since the day it was published.. And I think it aptly describes what maturity infact implies and demands someone to be..

1. How many of us actually ask for help when we need it..?? I have often seen people struggle to balance coffee mugs and breakfast plates and what not… when all they have to do is just ask for a helping hand from the person standing by, who is only punching his/her mobile.. :D
This would probably only be if we would not assume that people will/should volunteer to help us even when we pose like we don’t need it at all.. :)

2. This is something that tests your character if u ask me.. So many of us find it difficult to just say ‘am sorry’ even if it is oh-so obvious to everyone around that the fault lies with us.. Whether its a simple thing such as spilling a cup of coffee or something more complex like saying or doing something that hurts or annoys another, most of us tell ourselves that this is a part of the person we are and that the world around should only be ‘mature’ enough to accept us as we are... :) ‘C’mon! This is the way I am. Being a little clumsy or being a little hasty and insensitive sometimes, is not all that bad is it? ’ haven’t u heard that somewhere?? Is this complacence? Is this an excuse? Or am I being idealistic?

3. guess this kind of follows from 2..

4. a. Okie!! How many of us don’t do this at all??! Am not raising my hand either! :) For instance, I have had so many million people trying to convince me that Ms. Aishwarya Rai is indeed more beautiful than I think she is.. One guy even went to the extent of saying “you are not as good as her.. so, you are jealous and cant accept that she is so beautiful!”
my reaction??
@#$&#@*&@#%*&@#@%$% &^**$#$@$
but… Naaah!! I dint bother!
But well, what I guess is important, is to realize the fine difference between being assertive about your opinion and standing up for it (if required) and trying to enforce your opinion on someone…

b. The latter half of the same pointer is again very relatable to ha? He/she doesn’t have the same food habits as me or play the same sport or adore the same actor/actress, like the same channel, same television program… and so on and so forth and therefore I don’t like him/her.. Or he/she is not as good as me.. Or he/she is unspeakable to!!! The ability to accept differences and not let them affect relationships or affect the regard and respect for another individual is rather scarce in our world today.. what say?

5, 6 and 7 are rather big picture pointers.. shall leave them to the reader…

I would just like to add that the author concluded the above quoted piece by saying

“Are you a mature person today??”

Saturday, August 20, 2005


As one friend of mine rightly says, there are mostly just two kinds of friends.. the ‘fair weather’ ones and the ‘unfair weather’ ones..
Now, that is pretty self explanatory.. yes.. Let me try and explain what that means to me though..
To me, fair weather friends are simply those with whom u share ur longest laughter.. who bring joy to you.. who add spice to your life.. who are with you when you are happy and gay and all bubbling with energy, when u have ur best to present to the world.. when the sun shines and the moon smiles.. n the beautiful colors of the rainbow make your life seem more worth while.. in cheerful parties and merry making.. when all u want is to blow up ur cash.. when you know your life is so wow! that u could ask for no more.. when all goes well…
but these people would rather not be near u when u cant b your best...
…And u will find plenty of people of this type all around you..

And, Unfair weather ones are those friends who seem to always be there when you need a helping hand with life.. when u don’t seem to be able to manage on your own.. when u need a shoulder to cry on.. when u want someone to cling on to.. when u want to crib about all that has gone wrong and all that can.. when u want support and company to make you stable and sure of yourself.. when u want to define your purpose in life.. when u want to sort things out.. when u feel shaky and weak.. when u r down and low.. n everything seems out of place..

but these people cant for anything in the world realize that u r more than just a pile of sorrows and that ur lows are not the only things that define you or ur life..
…And you will find a fair number of such buddies as well..

And then there are those friends who are jus there… always..
Through thick and thin and in the right sense of that phrase..
For whom life is but incomplete without you..

who live a part of your life for you..
Those angels who make every day sunny and bright by just being a part of it.. who make life an absolutely wonderful and enriching experience.. whose thoughts revolve around not just their own lives but yours as well.. who are friends for the sake of friendship..

who stick with you in fair and unfair times…with whom u have laughed and cried.. with whom u can be completely yourself and not when u r happy or down, but always..
who can feel happier for you than you can feel for yourself and who can also get into your shoes when u cant handle it alone.. who complete ur life.. whom nature has destined to set examples.. to be role models.. who know u in and out.. the way u know urself and want to be known.. who mean more to u than u can ever describe.. who symbolize the 'ultimate friendship' if there were to be one such thing.. :) with whom u wanna live and die.. and who are simply larger than life..

" one can ever know me..
no one can ever see me..
since u r the only one who knows what its like to be me...."
- Rembrants

this is my salute to the few such people in my life..
who are irreplaceable..
who are a part of me and will always be…
who r my greatest assets..

thank you..
I may not say this often.. but u know what u r to me..

life is beautiful only cuz of you.. :)

PS: this one is for you sweetheart.. I would never have known what friendship is if I hadn’t known you..

Friday, August 12, 2005

poetry at work..

tranquil inside
spell bound or otherwise
haunting sounds of silence
joy of companionship?
forever alone?
wavering minds...
mad lillies tossing their heads...
xtension of your 'self' or more?
married to yourself?
romancing with your ego?
and yet a battle of the 'selves'??
hold your hands,
touch your heart,
promise yourself,
you'll always be you...
and more........


ps: my first peom at work.. during a training session, to be more precise... :)

Friday, July 29, 2005


I took some mood analysis test this morning..
the analysis is based on the order in which u choose colours that r displayed to u..
here is what the test said.. :D

The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.
You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non-fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

okie! now the disclaimer..
most of the above is certainly true.. but well, not all..
upto u to figure out which is which..

ps: here is the link if u wanna try it -
first time am blogging from work!
feels great.. :D

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

one little smile :)

Had a great time at work today.. enjoyed the class… got to know few more people from our batch.. awesome fun we had.. :) ours in one total othla batch! (if u dunno what that means am sorry but I know not an English equivalent of the same!) we are all like jus about to sprint out of the campus when it is 5 PM every single day.. n we generally start our sessions around 10 30 AM or so.. he he!

And yes, Our access cards got activated today!! Yippee!
Feel like am working, finally………..
Although, I guess only my first salary will complete the feeling in the true sense.. :-P
Wondering why am reacting so??! Well… if u r not me then u have every right to think so..! he he!! :D
I was down and low the whole of yesterday afternoon and evening and a little part of this morning for some sane or insane reason.. Went jus on time to the bus stop.. Phew! Hp Bus routes and timings have been revised owing to the addition of more than 50 buses or more to the already plying 35 buses or so! Man! Are they recruiting in truck loads or what?!
Anyways.. I got to office pretty early and went straight up to the canteen (very unlike me..) after I got my temp pass renewed.. And as I waited for my plate of set dosa and turned towards the counter to check on the supplier, I saw someone whom I hadn’t noticed until then.. it was this girl.. never seen her before at GDIC (that’s Global Delivery India Center, a division Hp, for you).. and then she flashed a smile…. :)
And she was gone with her food within 20 seconds..
Ya.. so what is the big deal?! Ha?
Well.. that made my day! Trust me….
Someone whom I had never ever even seen in my entire life made me smile.. finally..!
Dunno what triggered that.. cuz it was not like we exchanged a glance before that.. N then we saw each other again and she happened to smile.. u know how it normally happens at workplaces?
It was rather unusual.. Dunno what my looks gave away.. but, it was as if she was saying.. Relax.. Today is another day.. a new day.. N u ought be smiling and embracing it.. :)
It changed my mood instantaneously… before I realized I was feeling much better..
I have been a loner for the greater part of my life. Never really felt the need for company and support from people around me… I enjoy it.. completely.. but never felt the ‘need’ if u know what I mean.. but here I was today, feeling absolutely lonely and lost.. and utterly hopeless… n one smile from an unknown person worked like an instant cure…
Worked like magic..
all the people who r dear to you , who u know and interact with can sometimes make no difference when you need them… n one little smile from some unknown corner lightens ur mood like that! :)
During class there was this little SMS that a good friend, I have known for longer than I have known most other friends, sent.. a message that said nothing extraordinary.. nothing that he doesn’t tell me everyday.. but the way it was worded today made all the difference.. broke into a grin in the middle of a boring class on client server concepts.. and mind ya, a repeat class at that! :D
Little things these maybe..
Certainly not trivial…

Will always remember this day.. it means more to me than I can explain..
Thank you stranger..
Thank you my friend.. :)
I dedicate this blog to the two of you…
Loads of love..

Friday, July 22, 2005

tagged! he he!

Two tags!! well.. I really hope there is no such thing as one post for each tag..
anyway, here goes.. :)

Three names I go by:
aparn, appy or appi and Aparna. apster is one of my faves btw.. :) There are lots more, one of which I certainly don’t like!!

Three screen names I would like to have:
a. Sushmitha Sen
b. Cleopatra - not really a screen name.. I know! well,have always thot it to be a mischievous sounding and also a mysterious name.. :)

c. Lingo leela :D

Three physical things I like about myself:
a. My eyes – lots of my friends agree with me.. :)
b. My hands… don’t ask me why! :D

c. My nose... to me it looks like the perfect-for-a-nose-ring types! He he!
few more things actually.. but well, not here! Sorry! :D

Three physical things I dont like about myself:
a. My height – wish I was jus a little taller..
b. My hair – not curly, not straight!
c. I get easily affected by d weather..

Three parts of your heritage:
Soapy tells me this is anything to do with you and your family..

dont know how far he can b trusted! Well..

1. We have quite a huge 200 odd yr old house in Kanakapura constructed using mostly just mud..
truly ancient and beautiful..
2. Emotional intelligence is pretty characteristc of both my maternal and paternal families..
3. Guess my ‘best-of-both-worlds’ personality.. he he! Thanks to dad’s brains n mom’s sensitivity… :)

Three things that scare me:
1. Death – not my own..
2. The thought of ghosts and the like.. never read harry potter or lord of the rings cuz black magic scares me! Or even seen a horror movie in ages..

3. scared that I ll get breathless every time I get into even 5 feet deep water..

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Telephone – landline or cell..
2. kaajal
3. my gaadi.. for the last 5 yrs.. not much these days, due to work..

Three things I badly want to do before I die:
1. Adopt atleast one kid of each gender and also live completely by myself for atleast an year..
2. Go on a world wide tour..
3. fly a plane towards sunset or sunrise..

Three careers I am considering:
1. Running a pre-school and teaching kids..
2. Interior Designer
3. A Commission Agent who helps procure seats in Blore engineering colleges..

Three places I want to go:
1. Salzberg
2. Outer Space – anywhere in space actually.. the travel fascinates me more than the probable destinations.. :D

3. The next Football World Cup Finals match..

Two truths and a lie (in no particular order):
1. I have more than two sides to me…
2. We recently got a pet dog..
3. I love the world and its people..

I tag Siri :)

PS: btw, both of you... I dont know three more ppl to continue this thing! I can manage to tag one person.. sorry!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The First Innings...

Today was my first day at work and at my first job :)
This is said to be one of those days that ll always remain in ur memory.
For me it certainly will be..
The mild nervousness….
The excitement….
The anxiety….

The will to excell...
The feeling of independence..
Added to this, the pinch of absent-mindedness and trance-like feeling that I went through this morning was one of its kind!
Walked into a room filled with 140 odd absolute strangers!
It was fun watching expressionless faces and unsmiling people..
I, for one, spoke to everyone I could possibly speak to on the first day.. ha ha! poor them!! :D

The background work that went into today was even more fun than today…
Shopping around on Comm. Street in the rain with two wonderful friends, sure is a lot of fun. Was a great destresser! He he! :) Thanks an! Thank u junnie!

Got to know a million things(literally) about Hp today.

An information overload of sorts…. (Even in the programming sense!)
N this after jus 3 sessions.
N we have 15 sessions to go!
But then, walking back home felt great!
Hey, but am far too young to be this old!
Aint I?! :)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Memories of a Village City.

As the train pulled into the station slowly, several fond memories of my destination ran through my mind. During the journey I recalled how I would always end up eating ‘madduru vade’, ‘kadle kai’ and ‘sapota’ , when I was much younger and how I would religiously throw little coins into the two branches of Kaveri and how I would play with any person who would happen to be anywhere close to our seats! The short ride in the rickshaw reminded me of days when I would pester my mom or whoever else would accompany me (he he!) to call for a Tonga guy. Horses always fascinated me. And so did bumpy Tonga rides :)

For several years, the city of my birth, Mysore, was my summer and winter holiday destination (any other school break longer than a week would qualify as a vacation as well :D) and no vacation was probably ever complete with a whole lot of visits all around the city. Visits to the Zoo, the KRS dam and Brindavan gardens, Chamundi Betta, the Palace and Art Gallery were a half yearly or atleast an yearly affair. Not to forget looting mom n dad at the Dussera Exhibition every year. He he he!! Somehow buying kutti coloured umbrellas, little bags, and wooden toys during every visit to the KRS dam or exhibition became mandatory.

Being the first grand daughter at my maternal grand parents place, I was this totally pampered kid.. and man, I enjoyed it!
Still do.. :)

My uncles and aunts awaited my going there, as soon as my annual exams got over. As a little kid, guess I was pretty mischievous. And a total source of entertainment to everyone around... he he! My family runs a printing press there, which used to be a type press before and I would try and compose lines for them using metallic letters and would make such a mess! Supposed to have composed one whole debit voucher (which for some reason I thot was debitocher!) and without any mistakes at the age of 9 or 10.. :)
Going to the ‘city’, as the business oriented localities of the place are called, on the luna (yes, mysore was and even today, is typically known for the unbelievable number of lunas of various models that u would have never ever seen in Bangalore!!) and riding back, sitting on the reams of paper and the like, that were purchased was, for me, a total treat! Visiting the several client factories to receive and deliver orders was another fun activity then.
Playing with ever so newly bought badminton rackets in the evenings with all the grown ups in the house was a matter of pride :D The Saraswathi Puram Park or the lovely ‘kukkarahalli kere’ and manasa gangothri campus were among favorite evening haunts.

Well, I could go on forever about everything associated with this wonderful place and I would still have things left to say and describe!! My little visit this week made me realize how much those days have helped shape me as a person. Although, Long walks on lovely roads were a part of my routine this time as well… honestly, I missed school and missed summer hols even more.. :(
Sadly, the place has started getting the busy and oh-so-corporate feel of Bangalore, with food worlds and coffee days coming into the city (no thanks to the advent of infosys and wipro and the like) More ‘scooties’ move around than dear old 'lunas'. Cyber cafes have become a matter of every galli, although thankfully not as much as Bangalore.
Being not so advanced and yet so cultured has always been characteristic of Mysore and this according to me makes it as unique as it is and truly a retired man’s paradise.
A place certainly worth being in.
And a place that will always be my little haven.
Hope to go back there more often and probably even for ever, much later :)

PS: I dedicate this blog to my family in Mysore - thatha, ammamma, mama's, athe's and the 4 little ones... :)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

An untitled blog

A song full of sorrow..
A mundane life..
A want for more..
An anger unhidden..*
A chance that was never taken..
A horse never ridden..
Fragile thoughts..
A dream unfinished..
An incomplete note..
An unlearnt moral..
A story unwritten..
A page unturned..
Unspoken fear..
A broken arrow..
A sword unused..
A mind unexplored..
A hunger for raw flesh..
A bird unable to fly..
A law unadhered to.. *
Memories of nothing..
An unfinished masterpiece..
Today begins and Tomorrow dies..?

* dunno if these words actually exist.. n I dont care if they dont.. they fit into my lines n I like them like that.

offlate, I have written lots of dark and wierd stuff. this one is the latest in the series.. :) why? how? dunno my answers this time.....

ps: have noticed that there has not been a single comment on this entire blog! proly cuz the content drives away the comments.. or maybe its me who drives them away.. as usual.. :D but well, I really wud appreciate any kinda suggestions, remarks or anything else posted. Thank you. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The D-Day

The following is one of the things that I have always believed in, even without ever letting it really affect me.. :D
‘ Nobody needs you more than yourself…
And more importantly YOU need no one more than yourself.’

I suddenly feel this great need to free away from everything. everything and every person around me. My life feels like a big wreck and if ya want to hear it from the horse’s mouth, I am not happy with it.
Lots and lots of things actually.
Every time I have set my heart on something that I really really want, I have found myself getting discouraged by what is happening in my life otherwise.
You know how it is. In every stage of your life there is always this one person with whom you are more closely associated than with most others.. could be your latest crush, your dad, mom, ur best friend, ur sister, brother, ur boy friend… whoever… n u tend to be most attached to that one person during that phase in ur life.
And so has been the case with me too. And I have always asked for constant warmth and understanding from this one person. My apologies to all those who have felt pressurized due to the same.. :)

I am someone who is hyper sensitive to criticism from anyone. That’s cuz I actively respond to it in my own way. Instead of brushing it aside, I end up taking it in my stride and doing what I can to change whatever has to be. And knowing that most people are not open minded enough to change for the better when required, am proud of the fact that I can be otherwise!! :)

But, It is when I get constantly rebuked that I can’t handle things well.
Cuz it makes me feel like a failure. Like an under achiever.
Which I probably am. But it doesn’t help the cause if I feel that way does it??
In a world of super achievers and super ambitious people, someone who is as aimless and frail as me probably has no place. But this is the way I am. And I am happy being like this most of the time.
It is when everyone seems to be telling me that I am to be blamed for everything that is going wrong that I get totally freaked out!!!!
And one fine day, when I wake up, I realize just that… that it is after all, all my fault!!
Completely mine!
I have been dumb enough to not realize when I was prioritizing wrongly.
I have gotten close to people on my own accord.
I have let then hurt me.
I have been dumb enough to value people who don’t value me.
I have given more than I ever got from some people who don’t deserve it.
I have been less focused than I ought to have been, in whatever condition.
And so on and so forth.
All the fault lies with me…!!! :((
Then how on earth can anyone or anything make any difference to me but myself??!

Another aspect of this whole stupid getting-easily-attached-to-people thing about me is that, no one has ever proly been as attached to me as I have been to him/her.
And that not just hurts like it would ordinarily, it does a lot of damage to my thought process, to my personality and can even succeed in destroying me completely at that point of time.
Its not someone not professing what they feel or think of me that is lacking. After all if ya really do give importance to something it will show in ur words and actions without u having to say anything! When u hang up on someone every time u get another call, when u don’t call for weeks or months even as the case maybe, when ya always have some thing more important to do, when ya feel all cranky talking to someone, when you pretend that everything is fine when its not even close to that, when ya fail to discuss yourself with someone, so on and so forth………..
It could either mean u want some distance for whatever sane or insane reason or that u don’t really care or think much of that someone.
I can deal with the former very well. I know how it is to want some space. And it is exactly that I am trying to get at through this blog. :)
It is the possibility of the second that scares the hell out of me.
Then again, Its jus proly nature’s way of telling me that I ought not to be attached to anyone. That I work better when I am alone.

So, well..
That brings me back to where I started… to the get-away-from-everything-human part.
Realized that I need to move away, only on some introspection into my own actions and words over the last few days.
If ya are a part of my everyday, I hope you do understand this and let me be until I feel (if I do) other wise.

Singles Match

Hmm.. Where do I begin?
Ok.. Have you ever wondered why or how the maximum number of couples start off being together in the last year of college??
Is it because by then u kinda know the people u r associated with and also know what you feel for whom?
Is it the feeling of wanting to be with someone when u r leaving behind the institution that brings the magic in the air?
Is it mere desperation?
Is it that u feel u have jus then reached a stage in life where u have to make those ‘important’ decisions about who and what you r going to be in the coming years and finally ‘settle down’?
Is it the fear of being alone that drives the whole thing?
Or is it the fact that being in love is so much in vogue and unfortunately so much in fashion too, that u feel u ought to be there n do that as well?

WHATEVER that maybe… Me being where I am can only say….
It drives the rest of us who are single up the wall……… and for loads of reasons!
It kinda builds a pressure somewhere within. A constant thing that keeps saying - Look where you are. U r still alone. Still without company. When the hell is it going to happen to you?……………. So on and so forth…
In the last year, three out of my 5 best friends have found partners.
And all three look like long-term associations.
Another best friend of mine has been with someone for the last 3 years or so.
At least another score of people I know have started being in a relationship in the last 4-5 months or so.
Two out of my 5 close friends from school are committed for life to their boyfriends.

Every time I meet a bunch of friends the hottest topic of discussion seems to be who has who in their lives. I mean people who would even hate discussing friends from the opposite sex now choose to suddenly want to talk about all the men/women they know, if they are still single or about that ‘one guy/girl’ who they are with!!
Its crazy! Really….
I for one have been depressed for so long now that things never work out for me in this direction! And stories about all the love stories happening around me only make me feel worse. :(
All people who have known me from when I was a kid, be it my family friends or relatives, are amazed that there is no one in my life! Some don’t even believe that am single! Then of course there are those silly disgusting comparisons that people make that get on my nerves! When xyz who is so quiet and decent has found a guy, she(as in me) would have.. kinda thing!! Like I am the flamboyant and flirt types and that way only cuz I hang out with men jus as much as I hang out with women...!
Oh man!! First of all, I hate comparisons of any any damn kind!
Secondly, who the hell told you that quiet and decent (as u wud call them) people do not have the same hormones that I am made of! Who the hell told you that they are not capable of making bold decisions about their lives, jus the way I can?? Only cuz he/she doesn’t really mingle with the opposite sex the way I do, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have hearts of gold or otherwise or any other dumb conclusion that u can proly draw from that!
And lastly, the fact that am single will not make as much of a difference to me as it does if ya stop bothering me with all your expectations, so to say……..
It is frustrating really..

At the end of it all, I get horribly scared and really depressed that I am gonna end up being the target of all discussions everywhere twenty years down the lane, cuz I ll be the only single woman around who will be trying to raise kids she has ‘only’ adopted (As they wud say) and not given birth to!

The point I am trying to make is, being me would not be that hard if the people around me dint make such a big deal about this whole damn thing of 'settling down in life' as it is called, only cuz I am graduating now. Be it fellow mates or older people.
Being a girl born to not a very liberal family, I know there is this constant thing on every ones mind, including my parents' and sister's, that someday soon I will end up with someone. But to me it is not really that. If it does happen, it does. Else I really don’t care. I would prefer living alone without making any compromises with respect to this, than otherwise.
Sigh. Sigh. If only people got that one thing, life would be close to living in paradise. :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005


In the last 4 years of my engineering life this was the first time I played Holi and that too with my class mates. We had a great time as you would expect.. :D
The best part was that it was all totally unplanned and a total spur of the moment thing.
The previous night a friend called me when I was out and told me very briefly indeed to just get a change of clothes coz we were going to play Holi the next day!! like wow! totally unexpected! :D
The following morning, all of us (about 9 girls) got together in college and went there on to a friend’s house which is pretty close to college. We bought colours to play with on our way to her place. We had all ‘nicely’ dressed up in old clothes, all set to have some fun!! :)
And soon we got into the act of throwing lovely colours n smearing the faces of all those we recognized around us with whatever colour we could get on our hands!
This other friend of mine and I had the most fun I guess.. :D simply coz we weren’t fussy at all n enjoyed everything that was splashed on us.. Of course the others soon caught on to the feel of it and began to revel in it!!
We were also joined by a bunch of guys n girls who were our friend’s (the hostess) brother’s friends.. These guys have their board exams coming up this week and yet were out on the street merry making!! Cheers to the spirit of holi!!
Honestly, never had so much fun on Holi before. Always dreaded going out on the street coz I feared being coloured by those scary looking faces driving by on bikes (again scary looking ones!).
Happy to say its not so any more… :)
All these years, I always got sort of wild at the thought of some unknown hands making me look ugly with some disgusting colours.. chee! yuck! that’s how I thought of it all!
Well…. am sorry I did..
although I am still not comfy with the thought of some random person on the road doing stuff like that, am sure I will enjoy celebrating this festival of vivid beauty from now on.. N hopefully I will be in the company of good old friends too in the coming years! :)

And of course, am still colourful from head to toe! :)

PS: I burst out laughing today when I realized I had a pink navel… he he!!

Oops! the darker shade...

Well.. It was Holi and all of us except this one friend of ours was not very comfy letting her hair down and enjoying with us. She could not afford to get drenched in the holi water.. Poor girl had her periods running. Wait!! Got grossed out?!!
Oh! why am I not surprised?!
Well.. that’s exactly what I wanna talk about now..!
How narrow minded people are about this whole thing!!
After all the rejoicing with the beautiful colours, this friend of mine asked our hostess if she could change stuff..
N ridiculously enough she quite flatly refused!!
I for one was disgusted! N the reason she gave was that her mom may not like it or that it was a big problem to dispose things at her place or some such thing!!
Where would our poor friend go?!
Even the college rest rooms are not open after a point on any day! Despite having evening college classes running every day too in our college..!! Its ridiculous!
why cant these basic things be understood by people who run institutions such as ours?!
I mean it hardly takes another hour or more for students to vacate college campus! But no, they have to bloody close it an hour before time! coz the people who lock the place are tired the whole day looking at the faces that have come in n gone out! Whatever!!
Being women, I thought it was even more than just being immature on my friend’s and her mother’s part about the whole thing!! And obviously no one protested or said a word about it, except me and another friend of mine, who asked her why? another time..
When she failed to be reasonable again, I gave up, simply coz we had had a good time till then n dint wanna spoil it with a controversial debate! che!!
But, am still very annoyed…..
Our host, mind you is the topper of our class this time!
And she comes from quite an educated n cultured family… so to say..
But well, whats education if it cant give one enough sense and maturity to handle something so mundane and still so important??
whats with all this discomfort talking about it?
Gimme a break!! Will ya?

More n more ‘educated’ folk talk about how you should be open enough to discuss about SEX these days.. But if it comes to discussing this, people (especially men.. am sorry if u r one, but that’s what the case is!) are not one bit comfy talk about this issue..
I mean, what is the damn reason??
They cant relate to it, like the way they can to ‘sex’, that’s why?!
Excuse me! U r here coz someone out there went through all that pain, mood swings, weariness and what not other discomfort for years!! N finally conceived you and gave birth to you (which I hear is even more painful!!).
Oh C mon!! where did all your ‘broad mindedness’ suddenly vanish?!!!
And women, wake up!!
Come out of your lousy shells and let people know that its none of their business to treat something that happens to you every 30 days with such callousness! , whether its other women (unfortunately!) or men..
Not like u have to announce stuff, but when you r undergoing pain n u need some support, let people know!
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, please think twice when u deal with this the next time around… For, Christ’s sake, just put yourself in ‘her’ shoes for once and Think..! (yes, all those of u women who don’t think, please do!!) n then u will know why I am saying all this………

PS : the order of these two blogs r meant to be so..

Friday, March 04, 2005


I have been wanting to write about this for some time now.. And it is finally happening today coz i read this article by Shobha De in the two-week old edition of The Week and it just set me thinking a little more than I had previously thought about this. Strange are the ways of people.. I have always wanted to study people more than anything else.. They interest me and fascinate me..
Its not uncommon these days to hear someone say that he/she is into this relationship with someone only for physical gains. Be it one-night stands or just the 'regular' kissing and making out sessions, people are not only not uncomfortable but also pretty casual about admitting them and discussing them. Such things seemed distant and restricted to hollywood movie stories until only recently.. what with movies such as Murder and the latest previews of Zeher, they are out on the Indian screen as well and put by the stars themselves as 'bold movies', they are selling well.. Ofcourse the reason for them to sell well may not be the story line, in all probability. It may just be some really hot women showing themselves off and of course, not to forget the curiousity-arousing promos.. (if not anything else they 'arouse' your curiousity atleast!!) Infidelity is finally becoming cool even in the sub-continent...

Call me biased or 'immature' as some would proudly call me, am not one for such flings. Be it extra-marital or pre-marital, I believe that if you are not loyal, you are not in love. And if you are not in love then you should not be in the relation in the first place. Stories of men and women double timing partners dont amaze me; they fill me with disgust almost instantaneously.
In fact, call me an extreme case, but I would not subscribe to men or women even 'testing waters' as its called, with the other party.. And I have more than enough reason to be that way. I have been the victim not once or twice but more than that of such flings myself.. Its not like am anti-flirting or something.. I have flirted casually with men too, quite a few times.. When you are casually flirting with someone both parties are aware of the status of what is going on... They are sure there is nothing more than just some verbal exchange happening.. Its when the next dimension is mishandled that I get completely turned off! I am not saying that a guy who knows me checking his compatibility with me and finally telling me of his feelings when he is sure he wants to be with me, is wrong.. Nope! Its the in between stage that makes all the difference. Its how things go between the parties involved then that matters...
Some guys immidaitely ask the girl out and the girl (if she is someone like me) trusting that the guy really likes her for what she is and assuming that this relation is going to last coz they each want it that way says yes and gives it her best, not realising that this is just a trial and error thing for the guy! Or, the guy just about does anything to make her feel important and to please her (which again doesnt work very well for me atleast, as u will soon see) Or, the guy will be so baffled by her behavior that he never tells her of his feelings ruining the chances of a great relationship shaping up..
Its in this period that all things go wrong for me.. I am not someone used to getting attention from any one. People always think am too snobbish to be nice to or that I am too proud to be given my share of attention or they are simply too dumb and end up comparing me with someone better looking or something and I get totally irriatated!! I have always been seen as someone who will not appreciate it if anyone has feelings for her. Maybe i give this impression to men generally.. But the contrary is true. I would really like it if a guy has the guts to let me know he has feelings for me. If I do reciprocate, nothing like it (note: this has never ever happened!) and if I dont, (this has never happened either!!) then I am not a jerk to abandon a friend (if he is one already) or if he is not a friend yet, am sure I can be friendly enough towards this person who likes me for whatever reason. Then again like I said I have not come across someone like that who has simply told me of his feelings and left it at that to see what happens from my side!!
Hmm.. coming back to the fling part. So during the unsure-what-I-feel-for-her phase, most guys profess their love for me. And they dont realise in the slightest that am not only uncomfortable with any attenttion showered on me, I dont know how to handle it either! If its voicing out my opinions and ideas in front of a million people, am least uncomfortable,but when it comes to a one-on-one relation with a guy and the guy being someone who likes me, I get all freaked out with such expressions!! Really.. Am sometimes so shy a person that even if a friend compliments me (male or female), I fail to react normally, I get totally embarassed!!! And I get nervous that this guy in question is observing me and judging my actions and thoughts and seeing if am the one for him..! For one I find it disgusting when people judge me coz I believe that If u judge someone U cant love them. And the other thing being, I get really nervous, restless and unsure of myself (which is opposite of my normal being) coz more often than not this would have been a guy I would have wanted to be with myself...
Considering all those things that I mentioned earlier, I am rather thankful to my senses that I have not been driven so far by my own madness to even go beyond holding hands or a warm hug in any of the cases. I say am thankful, coz call it being 'immature' or kiddish if you want, but even someone ruffling my hair or holding hands with me is very intimate for me and something that I would not like to happen with anyone but the one for me..
And at the end of the day, all these guys fail to understand me... :) Either they get freaked out too..!! N more than me.. Or they cant look through this whole crazy new avatar of mine and like me for my normal self that they would have previously known.. Or they probably just realise that the one they thought may be ideal for them can give much more in the relation than they thought she could (!) and more than they think they can give! And yeah, obviously, the guys move away from me pretty soon either breaking the so-called-relation or move on to another girl or deny that they ever felt anything... And lots of times, these guys would have been doing similar things with other women simulataneously..
Some time back, these kind of short-lived affections would really hurt me and a lot.. I would reprehend myself saying I was not able to live up to the guy's expectations of me and not able to satisfy his criteria, so to say. And not able to sustain a relationship with a guy whom I really liked or loved (as the case may have been).
But thats not going to happen any more.. I have realised that I dont have to or dont want to settle for someone who cant deal with such a trivial and temporary change in me. If he cant handle this he wont like to handle anything else that may change about me in future. I would rather wait for someone who can look beyond all these frivolous things and for whom my relation with him will be more than just another fling.......

If you have something not very nasty you would want to tell me, you are welcome. And If you dislike what I have said here so much that you dont even want to tell me about it, then am sorry you came so far...

ps: It feels really great to come here often and say what I feel and think.. Although I dint think it would be, this has pretty much become my online journal..

Thursday, March 03, 2005

forever mine..

walking back home,
after a long tiring day…

see him beside me
smiling reassuringly…
he looks irresistible, as always!
fighting the temptation
to look at him,
I look down and smile
to myself…

How could I have forgotten him?!
he fills me with delight…
makes me jump with joy…
he makes me want to hold him..
and run after him…
he makes me want to dream!
he has seen me through thick and thin…
loved me every moment…

he is the only star of my every night..
call me a lunatic if u want!
meet my forever companion, the moon.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


Hmm... Its been such a long time since I penned down my thoughts... The reason being that I have been analysing myself and whats happening around me so much that I havent found the time or interest to do other things.. Basically I am this extremely self-critical person and I look for perfection from myself. Offlate too many things have been happening and at one point of time, I found it vey difficult to deal with a variety of people each of whom is very important to me.. I have been struggling to be my normal self for quite some time now.. WHAT is my normal self like? well.. dont ask me.. am yet to figure that out too... :)
Even right now, there are too many thoughts running parallely in my head for me to focus on one of them and continue with that train of thought.. Guess, THAT is one thing 'normal' to me.. 'parallel processing'. I have always found myself 'juggling' between things, people, places, thoughts, ideas, emotions.... u name it n u've got it! Note that I said 'juggling' n not 'shifting or moving'... That simply speaks my state of mind I guess.. Am quite clearly lost.... :) And I love it like this...! Coz i interest myself.. N theres this urge to get to know me better.. Since no one else can feel like that for me n definitely not consistently, this process of digging deeper into myself is even more thrilling and exciting..!! feel privilged to be the only one doing this! Call it being hyper or silly..well.. this is me.. not packaged to please anyone else but myself.. :)
PS: If u lost interest mid way, dont blame u.. has happened to many who have dealt with me..

Monday, January 10, 2005


know what? I hadnt written for such a long time simply coz I hadnt really got any ideas to write about..!
And now....!
I have so many ideas in my head and have absolutely no time to put them down into words... :(
Anyways... will do so as soon as i find the time...
And hopefully I will remember all those things running through my head right now...
Hmm... I think there should be some place here where you can just put ur ideas in brief, like in a couple of words, just so that u remember and not for anyone else.. :)
Come back here for more...