The D-Day

The following is one of the things that I have always believed in, even without ever letting it really affect me.. :D
‘ Nobody needs you more than yourself…
And more importantly YOU need no one more than yourself.’

Hmm..
I suddenly feel this great need to free away from everything. everything and every person around me. My life feels like a big wreck and if ya want to hear it from the horse’s mouth, I am not happy with it.
Lots and lots of things actually.
Every time I have set my heart on something that I really really want, I have found myself getting discouraged by what is happening in my life otherwise.
You know how it is. In every stage of your life there is always this one person with whom you are more closely associated than with most others.. could be your latest crush, your dad, mom, ur best friend, ur sister, brother, ur boy friend… whoever… n u tend to be most attached to that one person during that phase in ur life.
And so has been the case with me too. And I have always asked for constant warmth and understanding from this one person. My apologies to all those who have felt pressurized due to the same.. :)

Hmm..
I am someone who is hyper sensitive to criticism from anyone. That’s cuz I actively respond to it in my own way. Instead of brushing it aside, I end up taking it in my stride and doing what I can to change whatever has to be. And knowing that most people are not open minded enough to change for the better when required, am proud of the fact that I can be otherwise!! :)

But, It is when I get constantly rebuked that I can’t handle things well.
Cuz it makes me feel like a failure. Like an under achiever.
Which I probably am. But it doesn’t help the cause if I feel that way does it??
In a world of super achievers and super ambitious people, someone who is as aimless and frail as me probably has no place. But this is the way I am. And I am happy being like this most of the time.
It is when everyone seems to be telling me that I am to be blamed for everything that is going wrong that I get totally freaked out!!!!
And one fine day, when I wake up, I realize just that… that it is after all, all my fault!!
Completely mine!
I have been dumb enough to not realize when I was prioritizing wrongly.
I have gotten close to people on my own accord.
I have let then hurt me.
I have been dumb enough to value people who don’t value me.
I have given more than I ever got from some people who don’t deserve it.
I have been less focused than I ought to have been, in whatever condition.
And so on and so forth.
All the fault lies with me…!!! :((
Then how on earth can anyone or anything make any difference to me but myself??!

Another aspect of this whole stupid getting-easily-attached-to-people thing about me is that, no one has ever proly been as attached to me as I have been to him/her.
And that not just hurts like it would ordinarily, it does a lot of damage to my thought process, to my personality and can even succeed in destroying me completely at that point of time.
Its not someone not professing what they feel or think of me that is lacking. After all if ya really do give importance to something it will show in ur words and actions without u having to say anything! When u hang up on someone every time u get another call, when u don’t call for weeks or months even as the case maybe, when ya always have some thing more important to do, when ya feel all cranky talking to someone, when you pretend that everything is fine when its not even close to that, when ya fail to discuss yourself with someone, so on and so forth………..
It could either mean u want some distance for whatever sane or insane reason or that u don’t really care or think much of that someone.
I can deal with the former very well. I know how it is to want some space. And it is exactly that I am trying to get at through this blog. :)
It is the possibility of the second that scares the hell out of me.
Then again, Its jus proly nature’s way of telling me that I ought not to be attached to anyone. That I work better when I am alone.

So, well..
That brings me back to where I started… to the get-away-from-everything-human part.
Realized that I need to move away, only on some introspection into my own actions and words over the last few days.
If ya are a part of my everyday, I hope you do understand this and let me be until I feel (if I do) other wise.