For the last week or two I have been introspecting more than usual..
I have been trying to gauge what people really feel/ think with respect to me.. I know people who love me wont judge me.. n my actions and words wont be misconstrued.. what about those who either dont know me or who are in a working relationship with me or who are mere acquaintances..? For years, I have not bothered what this second category of people thought about or felt towards me!
Off late, I have been having some problems mostly due to this outlook of mine..
During the course of this introspection, I realised that people infact, expect you to value what they think about you..! You yield to them and pay attention to what they think about your personality and be rest assured you will lose your identity.. You dont yield to them, and they assume you have given them the liberty to talk behind your back.. maybe I shud add rubbish after the 'talk'..
I found that a lot of people mostly misread one's confidence, one's looks and more than anything else, they misread little suggestions if you happen to give them (whether out of concern or the longing for the sense of control depends on you really)..
At work, I noticed so many things that just dint seem to fit the scheme of things..
For instance, We have outings from work where we have events organized.. we sing, dance, enact plays, play different games as a team etc.. These outings are meant to be platforms for people to display talents other than their 'coding' expertise.. I have actively participated in all these outings singing, dancing, playing et all..! simply cuz I love doing these things!
While some people have been generous with praises and have been encouraging towards me, I realised in just the last outing that there are some people who dint seem to have anything at all to say..! And strangely enough, I found them appreciate other performers.. And them being close associates and some more than colleagues, this kinda disturbed me initially, and puzzled me later on.. And then, I started wondering why they were behaving so..
I found some reasons after much digging and observation.. tried doing a thing or two to change impressions and opinions..
But soon... I found myself saying 'Who gives a damn, anyway?!'
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
here I am..
For more than two months, I went through word list after word list to learn a set of words everyday.. Today, nothing makes sense.. everything appears meaningless.. U can never expect anything, even if it is the smallest good deed, from people..
Everything seems mindless.. heartless.. meaningless..
I have never understood the nuances of sadism and hence, I can never find myself appreciating it.. However, cynnicism is something I can swear by.. And, I shall soon write about it and how it can be a way of life..
If you ask me, I think that it is the only thing that can work for people to whom other people matter.. :) I have believed in it, practised it and found peace in it..
Time and again, there have been people who have walked into my life and whose association has made me believe otherwise.. But, being true to myself, I know somewhere deep down, that cynnicism is just so meant for me.. It has a sense of belonging which none other way of life can even come close to..
will write more about what it means to me and how it manifests itself in day to day life..
Adios!
Everything seems mindless.. heartless.. meaningless..
I have never understood the nuances of sadism and hence, I can never find myself appreciating it.. However, cynnicism is something I can swear by.. And, I shall soon write about it and how it can be a way of life..
If you ask me, I think that it is the only thing that can work for people to whom other people matter.. :) I have believed in it, practised it and found peace in it..
Time and again, there have been people who have walked into my life and whose association has made me believe otherwise.. But, being true to myself, I know somewhere deep down, that cynnicism is just so meant for me.. It has a sense of belonging which none other way of life can even come close to..
will write more about what it means to me and how it manifests itself in day to day life..
Adios!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
where next?
For the last month or more, I have been slogging like maaaaad...! In a span of 3 months, I will be facing quite a few exams.. exams which will determine my career path significantly.. The fact that I am working right now, apart from helping me with some funds and adding a few more months to my work ex, only adds to the pressure! I had a bad back ache for quite some time.. mostly cuz of work place furniture and due to studying after work with bad back rest at home.. Two of my closest friends flew to the US for dunno how long, abt a month back.. N I had a lil trouble compartmentalising and focussing on what needs to be done, leaving behind the emotional aspect completely!
Yesterday I gave one of the exams I was due to give and I fared 'ok' in it.. as in, I dint do great.. And I dint do badly either.. its an average performance.. say over 77 - 78 %.. Not like I am proud of that, but I know, being true to myself, that I have given it everything I can in the circumstances that I have been in.. There were days when I was so low and lonely, tired and wary and noone to back me up, and when I was emotionally quite unstable I still kicked myself back to studies.. I know I have worked really hard.. The fact that people have been quite indifferent towards this thing which is so important to me only disheartens me.. It may not seem like I have slogged to anyone else, proly cuz I aint good at expressing my fatigue and tiredness most of the times, but I know how much stress and strain I have been under.. And at times like these, you would but naturally expect ur nearest and dearest ones to unconditionally back u up.. well.. anyways! life is like that.. right?
Hmm.. this is one point in my life that there are a million questions and choices springing in my head everyday.. N I am unsure about so many things.. very much like most other people my age, I know.. Personally, professionally and in so many other aspects, I feel quite lost.. And for the first time ever, I detest this uncertainity about every damn thing..! All my life I enjoyed dealing with something unpredicatble... now I am having an over dose of it!! n I dont enjoy it.. not any more!!
whatever..!! or rather wherever!!
anyway!
This aint no symapthy/empathy seeking blog.. I dont even recommend u to comment.. This is just my way of venting out some of the frustration that has built up in me.. my way of letting out some of those depressing and scary thoughts..
not like I have not tried other means of doin the same.. but well..
thas it.. I have let u in on something very important to me and rather personal... I dont even care about a reaction!
adios!
Yesterday I gave one of the exams I was due to give and I fared 'ok' in it.. as in, I dint do great.. And I dint do badly either.. its an average performance.. say over 77 - 78 %.. Not like I am proud of that, but I know, being true to myself, that I have given it everything I can in the circumstances that I have been in.. There were days when I was so low and lonely, tired and wary and noone to back me up, and when I was emotionally quite unstable I still kicked myself back to studies.. I know I have worked really hard.. The fact that people have been quite indifferent towards this thing which is so important to me only disheartens me.. It may not seem like I have slogged to anyone else, proly cuz I aint good at expressing my fatigue and tiredness most of the times, but I know how much stress and strain I have been under.. And at times like these, you would but naturally expect ur nearest and dearest ones to unconditionally back u up.. well.. anyways! life is like that.. right?
Hmm.. this is one point in my life that there are a million questions and choices springing in my head everyday.. N I am unsure about so many things.. very much like most other people my age, I know.. Personally, professionally and in so many other aspects, I feel quite lost.. And for the first time ever, I detest this uncertainity about every damn thing..! All my life I enjoyed dealing with something unpredicatble... now I am having an over dose of it!! n I dont enjoy it.. not any more!!
whatever..!! or rather wherever!!
anyway!
This aint no symapthy/empathy seeking blog.. I dont even recommend u to comment.. This is just my way of venting out some of the frustration that has built up in me.. my way of letting out some of those depressing and scary thoughts..
not like I have not tried other means of doin the same.. but well..
thas it.. I have let u in on something very important to me and rather personal... I dont even care about a reaction!
adios!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Now with the teleconverter...
The lens has a teleconverter making it even more wonderful to use..
The one disadvantge is that it makes it much much heavier to handle..
man, I almost fell a couple of times! :D
Some of these pics were taken at Agara, while most were taken at Lalbagh..
Take a look and let me know what you think.. :)
The one disadvantge is that it makes it much much heavier to handle..
man, I almost fell a couple of times! :D
Some of these pics were taken at Agara, while most were taken at Lalbagh..
Take a look and let me know what you think.. :)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
TURN OFFS!!
Comparisons!!
What makes people assume that I am someone meant to be compared with everyone else around me??! The fact that you see and hear 2 different ppl means they are different! To me it makes absolutely no sense to have a daily report of how much better I am than anyone else or how bad anyone else is in comparison to me!!! Keep the ratings to yourself..!! I aint no Soap Opera!!
Personal Comments...
No, I’m not refering to gentle comments about my looks/words/emotions etc... There is a line I draw... just like you..! , and I never promised you that our lines would coincide... If you can’t see that line, ask me... Ask me before you attempt to cross it!! Cuz it’s my space and me you are talkin about, and I have every right to stop you from speakin nonsense about me, especially when you choose to do it in front of me..!!
All those who can’t stop saying that I’m thin, watch where you are looking!!
Horny men and their remarks...!
Millions of things turn me off in this category..!
Married men and sometimes with kids even, but who still cant stop drooling, staring and sizing up every younger woman, no no, every woman, who is in sight..!! Yucky! I pity your wives, you despos!
Gangs of guys who take up the social cause of placing themselves at the dark corner of the street and judging every girl of the locality that passes them in their spare time of 10 hours per day... Oh how lucky they are! ‘Ooh! Check out her butt man!’, ‘she has such a great figure’... and some so so cheap, it’s inapt to even mention them here..! Get a life guys...!
Cat calls... up close encounters... trying to touch and feel arbitrary women in public places... Cheaply worded whispers right into the ears.. the list goes on... and on and on... what is it?? Some kinda cheap thrill? Or these guys think they can actually manage to seduce me in those 5 seconds where they are 1 foot away from me?? Sorry to disappoint you... But, derrogatory doesn’t really qualify as charming or mesmerzing to me!
Or maybe it’s merely a sense of prowess that they can get away with saying the sleaziest things about a woman and still wander on the streets freely??!!
Whatever that may be, it fails to justify anything...!
Anything put on... Be it an accent... an attitude... a remark... anything fake, except jewellery, mostly turns me off completely...!
For instance, I can’t understand how an Indian who has lived all his life in India and lived abroad just for a few days/months can acquire an accent that is so not Indian... I have known atleast a dozen people who have lived for decades in the US of A and none of them really have a heavy American accent...! It seems extremely phony, unnatural and trying to be ‘yo’!
A fake smile turns me off more than the absence of a smile!! A remark leaning towards buttering somoene falls into the same category...
So does hypocracy... can’t comprehend the necessity or reason behind it (if there is one) for someone to be insincere about things... I can, to quite an extent, accept diplomacy cuz that is not about faking something; it’s about revealing only the required... unlike hypocracy...
South/North Indian complexes.
It is one of those things which the modern world claims to not have...! Sorry to say, it doth still florish..!
I have heard sooo many guys from the North making fun of the south Indians and vice versa, over names, colour, habits, culture, music (?!!), language and pronunciations etc etc...
And mind you, I’m not referring to the uneducated section.. I’m talking about IIT/IIM passouts, people working in the IT industry etc...
To me all those things are far too shallow...
It is infact sometimes as bad as racial discrimination... to judge and treat someone based on superficial aspects such as colour, dressing is discrimination...
MCPs/men with fragile egos.
If you havent realised yet, men with inflated egos don’t appeal to women anymore... (I can’t understand how they ever did..! anyways!)
If you want a woman to listen to everything you say, bow down to your whims and fancies, clean your house behind you, cook for you and look pretty all the time, you should either look for a robot, a puppet or better still, a combination of the two!
FYI: I am not a feminist. People are people. Male or female hardly matters.
Namma Bengalooru!
If there is one thing that really gets on my nerves, no matter who makes it, where and when, it is some non sensical, lame comment on how Bangalore is not a great city to stay in cuz of blah blah reasons...!! if you are a ‘localite’ as you would so often be addressed as (sometimes looked down upon for being one even!!), it would probably be justifiable.. People who just decided to descend upon a city in search of job opportunties without finding out what it has in store for them otherwise have, in my opinion, absolutely no right to make any negative remarks or comparisons! I am dead sure they would not like listening to similar things about their city either!! Every city has its pros and cons. And if you have evaluated a city badly, it is solely YOUR problem..!! Even god can’t promise you that any place (on earth atleast) is prefect, my dear fella!!
Insensitive creatures.
If you don’t care enough for/about anyone around you, I would rather not know you...
Spouses/Partners who do not realise that their counterparts need some time and space with friends, especially of the same gender!!, disgust me... If your husband doesn’t like you spending time or is insecure about your spending time with a female friend even if it is once in a way, I’m sorry, but the way I look at it, you have ended up with someone way too obsessed with god-knows-what and someone way too irritatingly possessive of you!!
Note: This is my list...
Disclaimer: Author is in an absolute no nonsense mood... If something in this list bears even slightest resemblence to your behavior towards her, then maybe it’s high time you realise that it was meant for just you to read..!
What makes people assume that I am someone meant to be compared with everyone else around me??! The fact that you see and hear 2 different ppl means they are different! To me it makes absolutely no sense to have a daily report of how much better I am than anyone else or how bad anyone else is in comparison to me!!! Keep the ratings to yourself..!! I aint no Soap Opera!!
Personal Comments...
No, I’m not refering to gentle comments about my looks/words/emotions etc... There is a line I draw... just like you..! , and I never promised you that our lines would coincide... If you can’t see that line, ask me... Ask me before you attempt to cross it!! Cuz it’s my space and me you are talkin about, and I have every right to stop you from speakin nonsense about me, especially when you choose to do it in front of me..!!
All those who can’t stop saying that I’m thin, watch where you are looking!!
Horny men and their remarks...!
Millions of things turn me off in this category..!
Married men and sometimes with kids even, but who still cant stop drooling, staring and sizing up every younger woman, no no, every woman, who is in sight..!! Yucky! I pity your wives, you despos!
Gangs of guys who take up the social cause of placing themselves at the dark corner of the street and judging every girl of the locality that passes them in their spare time of 10 hours per day... Oh how lucky they are! ‘Ooh! Check out her butt man!’, ‘she has such a great figure’... and some so so cheap, it’s inapt to even mention them here..! Get a life guys...!
Cat calls... up close encounters... trying to touch and feel arbitrary women in public places... Cheaply worded whispers right into the ears.. the list goes on... and on and on... what is it?? Some kinda cheap thrill? Or these guys think they can actually manage to seduce me in those 5 seconds where they are 1 foot away from me?? Sorry to disappoint you... But, derrogatory doesn’t really qualify as charming or mesmerzing to me!
Or maybe it’s merely a sense of prowess that they can get away with saying the sleaziest things about a woman and still wander on the streets freely??!!
Whatever that may be, it fails to justify anything...!
Anything put on... Be it an accent... an attitude... a remark... anything fake, except jewellery, mostly turns me off completely...!
For instance, I can’t understand how an Indian who has lived all his life in India and lived abroad just for a few days/months can acquire an accent that is so not Indian... I have known atleast a dozen people who have lived for decades in the US of A and none of them really have a heavy American accent...! It seems extremely phony, unnatural and trying to be ‘yo’!
A fake smile turns me off more than the absence of a smile!! A remark leaning towards buttering somoene falls into the same category...
So does hypocracy... can’t comprehend the necessity or reason behind it (if there is one) for someone to be insincere about things... I can, to quite an extent, accept diplomacy cuz that is not about faking something; it’s about revealing only the required... unlike hypocracy...
South/North Indian complexes.
It is one of those things which the modern world claims to not have...! Sorry to say, it doth still florish..!
I have heard sooo many guys from the North making fun of the south Indians and vice versa, over names, colour, habits, culture, music (?!!), language and pronunciations etc etc...
And mind you, I’m not referring to the uneducated section.. I’m talking about IIT/IIM passouts, people working in the IT industry etc...
To me all those things are far too shallow...
It is infact sometimes as bad as racial discrimination... to judge and treat someone based on superficial aspects such as colour, dressing is discrimination...
MCPs/men with fragile egos.
If you havent realised yet, men with inflated egos don’t appeal to women anymore... (I can’t understand how they ever did..! anyways!)
If you want a woman to listen to everything you say, bow down to your whims and fancies, clean your house behind you, cook for you and look pretty all the time, you should either look for a robot, a puppet or better still, a combination of the two!
FYI: I am not a feminist. People are people. Male or female hardly matters.
Namma Bengalooru!
If there is one thing that really gets on my nerves, no matter who makes it, where and when, it is some non sensical, lame comment on how Bangalore is not a great city to stay in cuz of blah blah reasons...!! if you are a ‘localite’ as you would so often be addressed as (sometimes looked down upon for being one even!!), it would probably be justifiable.. People who just decided to descend upon a city in search of job opportunties without finding out what it has in store for them otherwise have, in my opinion, absolutely no right to make any negative remarks or comparisons! I am dead sure they would not like listening to similar things about their city either!! Every city has its pros and cons. And if you have evaluated a city badly, it is solely YOUR problem..!! Even god can’t promise you that any place (on earth atleast) is prefect, my dear fella!!
Insensitive creatures.
If you don’t care enough for/about anyone around you, I would rather not know you...
Spouses/Partners who do not realise that their counterparts need some time and space with friends, especially of the same gender!!, disgust me... If your husband doesn’t like you spending time or is insecure about your spending time with a female friend even if it is once in a way, I’m sorry, but the way I look at it, you have ended up with someone way too obsessed with god-knows-what and someone way too irritatingly possessive of you!!
Note: This is my list...
Disclaimer: Author is in an absolute no nonsense mood... If something in this list bears even slightest resemblence to your behavior towards her, then maybe it’s high time you realise that it was meant for just you to read..!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
An year later...
from growing love to fears and races...
from reality to illusions??!
from what was to what is....
more steps backward than ahead...
from openin up to shutting her out...
from unmatched warmth to shivering cold..
from closest to far away...
from two to together and back..
from complements to differences...
from US to U and I..
jerky journey.. what say?
exciting? thrilling?
well...
the little girl must find her own way..
n she is still screaming out..
hmm...
****************************************************
a little girl playing in the garden
a little heart screaming out
held her hand, made her secure
loved her 'life',
her unrefined self...
stood beside her, dint let her wander away
stars shining, moon smiling..
passion, intimacy...
unmeasured depths...
urge to complete each other...
n d need to know.. n share
Seemed everlasting....
Culd'nt have asked for more...
Bang! Thud! Boom!
from a vulnerable mind to a vulnerable soul...
30-05-05
Hm.. now that u finished reading, It is one poem alright.. but was written in 2 halves as u might have already noticed.. the little secret is that, whichever half u read first, as a poem it still makes sense.. Try it..
A little wierd n not really ordinary.. Ahem! do I sound proud..? Well.. I am.. :)
On a more serious note, this is proly the most incomplete poem I ve ever written.. incomplete in every way. nothing more, nothing less..
from reality to illusions??!
from what was to what is....
more steps backward than ahead...
from openin up to shutting her out...
from unmatched warmth to shivering cold..
from closest to far away...
from two to together and back..
from complements to differences...
from US to U and I..
jerky journey.. what say?
exciting? thrilling?
well...
the little girl must find her own way..
n she is still screaming out..
hmm...
****************************************************
a little girl playing in the garden
a little heart screaming out
held her hand, made her secure
loved her 'life',
her unrefined self...
stood beside her, dint let her wander away
stars shining, moon smiling..
passion, intimacy...
unmeasured depths...
urge to complete each other...
n d need to know.. n share
Seemed everlasting....
Culd'nt have asked for more...
Bang! Thud! Boom!
from a vulnerable mind to a vulnerable soul...
30-05-05
Hm.. now that u finished reading, It is one poem alright.. but was written in 2 halves as u might have already noticed.. the little secret is that, whichever half u read first, as a poem it still makes sense.. Try it..
A little wierd n not really ordinary.. Ahem! do I sound proud..? Well.. I am.. :)
On a more serious note, this is proly the most incomplete poem I ve ever written.. incomplete in every way. nothing more, nothing less..
With the Sigma Lens...
My friend bought a Sigma lens for his D-SLR... N the lens is a marvel! Took quite a few snaps with it.. The SLR with the lens is so heavy that it takes some time to get used to it.. :)
Like this pic, but I wish I had got it in better focus..
N thas a Plain Tiger, I think.. :P
If u are wondering why that for a name, Butterflies are apparently named after animals... :)
Like this pic, but I wish I had got it in better focus..N thas a Plain Tiger, I think.. :P
If u are wondering why that for a name, Butterflies are apparently named after animals... :)
Saturday, May 20, 2006
SLR rocks!
Thats my first snap with the D- SLR that my friend bought.. took this sometime back.. had forgotten to put it up here.. nothing grrreeeat abt this, I know.. But well, its my first SLR one!! :D Man, the feel of the cam is so awesome that u end up shooting anything even vaguley photogenic.. :P he he! U can expect more pics to follow soon!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Learnin to fly.....
the smell of rain still invigorates...
the sight of birds still spells freedom...
roses, smile as warmly as ever...
the sun sets most gracefully,
n those joyous colours always linger on..
stars glitter, marvellous as they are...
the moon beckons to a world beyond..
little drops of rain never fail to kiss me tender...
All along I thought it was you, my love..
you, who filled the air with that magic..
I know now, it's not you...
I'm in love... cuz of me....
My world is beautiful..
with or without ya...
ps: the title is that of a floydian song.. find the name very inspiring.. :)
the sight of birds still spells freedom...
roses, smile as warmly as ever...
the sun sets most gracefully,
n those joyous colours always linger on..
stars glitter, marvellous as they are...
the moon beckons to a world beyond..
little drops of rain never fail to kiss me tender...
All along I thought it was you, my love..
you, who filled the air with that magic..
I know now, it's not you...
I'm in love... cuz of me....
My world is beautiful..
with or without ya...
ps: the title is that of a floydian song.. find the name very inspiring.. :)
Thursday, April 27, 2006
ACT 2
Another stint with the same borrowed camera and I found myself doing much much better..
Took a looooot of snaps..!!
And So many that I had to delete some to take the last few.. :P
Had a whale of a time! Trying some things I dint know before and experimenting with others I kinda knew.. :)
Like WOW, After a book, I think, a digi camera can be anyone's best friend!
All the followin snaps have been taken in Lalbagh..
Do let me know what U think of them.. :)
PS: dedicate this post to my friend Anirudh, who lent me his camera and more importantly cuz he is like my Guru in Photography.. :) Thanks Ani!
Also, for those of ya new to blogspot, U can click on the pics to see them much better...
Took a looooot of snaps..!!
And So many that I had to delete some to take the last few.. :P
Had a whale of a time! Trying some things I dint know before and experimenting with others I kinda knew.. :)
Like WOW, After a book, I think, a digi camera can be anyone's best friend!
All the followin snaps have been taken in Lalbagh..
Do let me know what U think of them.. :)
PS: dedicate this post to my friend Anirudh, who lent me his camera and more importantly cuz he is like my Guru in Photography.. :) Thanks Ani!
Also, for those of ya new to blogspot, U can click on the pics to see them much better...
thas a pond heron in breedin plummage (apparently..! ask anirudh for more details.. :) )another one of my faves this..
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Digital Photography
My first brief stint with photography (in the real sense of it) with a decent digital camera.. :) (not my own tho!) and the result was this!! TADA...!
I have always thought of the moon as being one of the most beautiful things to capture.. Here is my first attempt at doin the same.. If u look a little closely u ll see this lil birdie perched on a tiny branch as well!
This was also, I guess, the first pic which I took on my own.. and that makes it special! he he!!
PS: thank u my blog, I can feel your warm welcome!
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